My friends forced me to watch Heated Rivalry, but I kind of liked it. Ephelia, am I gay? 

College is the preseason of identity: you notice things, collect data, maybe raise an eyebrow. No need to sign a long-term contract or declare allegiance just yet. Sit with it. See if it comes back for a rematch. One iconic romance does not determine your sexuality. It just means you appreciate tension, longing, and, just maybe, hockey. 

My mom is mad that I don’t have a boyfriend. How do I explain the impossible dating scene at the College?

Now Ephelia does not condone lying, but sometimes it is easier to stretch the truth — a lot — rather than telling it straight. You could say you started dating a 6-foot-7 Canadian international student named Jacques. You and Jacques have crazy sex daily, and that’s why you are failing all your classes. Jacques also insists that you pay for every one of his drinks when you go out, so you’ve been draining your parents’ credit card at The Barn. Your mom will see the credit card bill, become concerned, and then will beg you to break up with Jacques. Before she can even meet him, he will be gone. Your mom will never bother you about having a boyfriend again. Problem solved. 

Dear Ephelia, where should I eat on Saturday night if I want to avoid couples on Valentine’s dates? 

First rule: Couples should not go to Blango or Water Street Grill. If anyone made a Valentine’s reservation at either cancel immediately! Blango is not romantic unless your love language is warm sake and the very real possibility of a staff member walking in on you in the bathroom (hypothetically). Water Street Grill is for beers, TVs, and being surrounded by large men in camo. Not a date vibe. Which is exactly why you should go to one of those places. If you see a couple there on Valentine’s Day, that’s between them and God. You will not feel single; you will feel superior.

If you want zero romance and maximum distraction, hibachi is also a great choice. It’s loud, chaotic, on fire, and fundamentally a group activity. No one is whispering sweet nothings while shrimp are flying through the air.

And because Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday, it’s also prime time for discovering couples you did not know existed. For observational purposes only, I recommend The Barn, specifically to watch who is dropping serious money on a heavy pour from the bartender.

I am a senior, and I don’t know what my closest friend’s major is. It’s too late to ask them. How can I find out without revealing that I didn’t know?

There are two real possibilities on this campus. Try guessing Econ — that will be your best bet! If they give Marxist, maybe try guessing WGSS!

I am deciding between two classes. One seems more interesting, but the other one has hotter people in it. Which should I take?

Stay in the class with the hotter people; it will be a better investment. If there are hot people there, you will be motivated to try harder because no one wants to look dumb in front of hot people. You also may have the chance to find the love of your life (talk about a good investment)!

What should I do if my floormates leave their hair in the drain?

Evict them. Move all their stuff to the hall or turn off the hot water before they go into the shower. No one should treat a shared space this way. No one. It is very simple: Wipe the hair off the side of the shower.

I just got to Austria for my study abroad program, but I thought I signed up for Australia. It is so cold. Not even a question, just confused.

Uh oh! Dyslexia gets me too sometimes. Warm up with some schnitzel and good luck!