CSS won’t let me sleep in Hollander, what should I do?

First, we need to address the real question: Why are you trying to sleep in Hollander? Is your roommate snoring, or do you just love the vibes (and that suspiciously good natural light that shines through at sunrise)?

If it’s snoring, consider a peace offering: nose strips. Leave them on your roommate’s desk like a tiny, well-meaning intervention.

If it’s the vibes… I regret to inform you that I cannot help you break CSS rules. But as a cow who occasionally naps in questionable places, I will say this: If you arrive very late, leave very early, and look confident while carrying a blanket, people might assume you’re simply doing very serious academic work.

We have a skunk under our house and called an exterminator. My friend is now worried they will kill the skunk and is calling us murderers. What should I do?

Has your friend ever tried hosting a peace circle with a skunk? I admire the spirit, but I’m not sure restorative justice is going to solve this one.

A more persuasive strategy might be relocating the skunk to your friend’s room and seeing how committed they remain to coexistence. My guess is their position may evolve quickly.

My initials are A.I., why is everyone talking about me in the Record?

Ah, a classic misunderstanding. I’m fairly certain they’re talking about artificial intelligence… not you. Take a deep breath, maybe stroll across Paresky lawn. Not everything is about you, silly.

But if you really want the spotlight, you could always try creating one of the biggest crises facing the integrity of higher education and possibly the fate of humanity. Then, who knows? Maybe a few Record op-eds will actually be about you.

All my friends are going to hot and beautiful places for spring break, but I am stuck going home. How do I cope with this social suicide? Do I lie on Instagram?

Spring break is less about where you are and more about what the lighting looks like in your pictures. Back in your childhood bedroom? Take a quick trip to the local park and post some rugged “nature hike” pics. Suddenly you’re in Yosemite, not New Jersey. Dinner at the slightly questionable sushi place in the strip mall down the street? Low lighting, close-up food pics, maybe a mysterious caption. Congratulations, you’re now in Tokyo. Public pool opening for the first 55-degree day of the year? Add sunglasses, a little confidence, and a strategically cropped photo. Barbados, obviously.

Remember: Spring break is a state of mind and a careful curation of angles. Don’t let geographic realities limit your online truth.

I keep on being kicked out of the Hollander faculty lounge, what should I do? Common spaces should be for the people.

To be honest, I hate when people walk all over my pasture. But sometimes people just want a place to relax without worrying about a student wandering into their hangout.

That said, you may have noticed the Hollander faculty lounge has excellent wood paneling, big windows, free coffee, and is mysteriously empty after 8 p.m. Fair observation.

My advice: Ask for forgiveness, not permission. Use the lounge until someone kicks you out — then politely leave and try again another day. Consistency is key. Alternatively, make friends with a CSS officer. Grab a coffee, chat, maybe even invite them to hang out in the lounge with you. With enough charm, you might just get to stay.