I’ve slept through half of my Winter Study classes and my “professor” is threatening to fail me. What should I do? 

Your struggle is commendable. It must feel like torture to wake up for such grueling classes as “Flow Yoga,” “Zymurgy” (the science of beermaking), or “Cheesemaking on the Farm.” I’m sure the professor will sympathize with the hardship you’ve had to endure… Just kidding! In the case of “cheesemaking,” my bovine sisters are offering up the nectar of their divine bodies to teach you a sacred art, and you don’t even have the decency to wake up! Your privilege is showing. You deserve to fail. Viva la revoMOOción!

Ephelia, why didn’t you sign up for IM basketball?

I wanted to give everyone else a chance to win. 

My friends have gone skiing almost every day this month, and I want to join them, but I’m really uncoordinated, and I feel like I look stupid going down the slopes.  

Girl, you need to let that go. I weigh 1,200 pounds and I have to stick out my footlong tongue to stay upright, but do you think that stops me from following my dreams? Hell no! Ignore the haters, and remember that you control your own image. Get a puffer jacket, a pair of goggles (not swim ones, trust me, I tried that once), and take lots of photos for your Instagram before you actually go down the mountain. In 10 years, no one will remember that you looked like a baby giraffe! 

As a first-year, I’m worried because I’ve been here for five months, and I’m still single. Does it get any easier to find love?

Look, it’s time to face the facts. You did both apply to and get into the College, so there’s a real chance that you have a truly unbearable personality. But that’s okay — I hear the Spring Streeters are taking new auditions next semester. Who needs love when you have a capella!

My pet goldfish was never found after my room was submerged during the Great Faye Flood of ’25. But since he’s a fish, can we at least assume he lived?

I’m sorry for your loss. Considering that Faye has been drying out over the past six weeks, and no rogue goldfish have been reported to CSS, I think it’s safe to say that the little guy is gone. But look at it this way: That foam football brought on a biblical rapture for your goldfish. Did it end his world? Yes. But what was this world for him but a prison? What good is a life contained in a glass ball barely bigger than the football that ended it all? The flood gave him the closest thing he’d ever experienced to freedom: an entire musty old dorm to swim around in. Now, he’s swimming with the gods.    

If the United States invades Greenland, I’m scared that I’ll get drafted and be sent to one of the only places colder than Williamstown. 

Seems like you have your priorities straight. There’s always the age-old draft dodging strategy of running to Canada. However, I don’t think that will solve your particular predicament. My advice: flee south. Even if you don’t get drafted, this dark winter is only going to get worse. Many of my friends have already packed up their alfalfa and left Stone Hill for Florida. I’m thinking of leaving as well. I’ve always dreamed of being an SEC school’s mascot…