I want to drink a piña colada. Where can I get one?

Honey, I have been thinking the same exact thing. If only there was a reliable piña colada joint close by. My advice: Blend rum, ice, and piña colada mix if you have a blender. If you don’t (tragic but common), welcome to Ephelia’s Struggle Colada™: pineapple juice, milk, rum, ice, and a tropical dream. Stir aggressively and convince yourself it’s authentic.

My senior year is almost done and I have a BIG crush on this guy, should I just get over the hump and ask him out? We are both living in New York next year, so I am worried things will go south and I will run into him and then it will be so awkward.

You have nothing to lose except the opportunity to spiral for the next six months, wondering “what if?” Ask him out. Be brave. Be bold. Be slightly delusional. Worst case: It’s awkward for approximately 11 minutes, and then you both move to New York, a city of eight million people where you will simply… not see him. Best case: love, romance, and a built-in situationship for your post-grad era. Also, “We’re both moving to NYC” is not a warning sign — it’s a rom-com plot device. Do not fumble this.

Is it too late in senior spring to reinvent myself?

Yes. You can reinvent yourself after you graduate but everyone at the College will still remember you for who you are at this exact moment.

I was out to dinner with my friends and saw my professor while he was on a date and avoided saying hi because it was awkward. Should I bring it up next time I see him?

Absolutely… I promise you that won’t make things more awkward at all! While you are at it, you should ask to go on a double date with them and your situationship, who totally didn’t destroy you and totally wasn’t the reason you got a C on your midterm paper in their class. Just kidding, this is a horrible idea. Do not bring it up to them, pretend that it didn’t happen, and if it happens again, also pretend like you do not know your prof. Nothing good will come from you bringing it up.

I have joined the large cohort of people addicted to Whitmans’ milk. What should I do?

This is a prime example of the College serving not as a way to make kids more mature, but as the facilitator of students’ age regression: People who should be adults turn into children. In order to counteract this phenomenon, you must adopt some adult-like habits. Those habits will cancel out the childlike regression towards ingesting milk. Some examples of adultlike habits for you to adopt: doing your own taxes, eating vegetables, enjoying canned tuna, showing up to events on time, avoiding sweatpants, and drinking malted liquor instead of tweas. These additions should help to cancel out any childlike behavior when they’re practiced consistently and happily.

It’s been 80 degrees and sunny all week and I spent so much time basking in the sun that I didn’t do any of my work… Ephelia, how am I possibly supposed to get work done during these sublime weather conditions?

Well, let’s just thank our lucky stars that you did not end up at UMiami or USC! Ephelia’s strategy is waiting to do work until it gets dark out. You won’t want to hang outside when it’s dark and the UV is zero — you won’t even be able to get tan. The only issue is that now, the sun sets at like 7:30 p.m. I also recommend doing work early in the morning when the UV is low — think 7 or 8 a.m. Then you can spend the rest of your day basking in the sun, but put on some sunscreen or else you will turn into strawberry milk (sunburnt).