I cold-emailed my Marriage Pact match without looking them up because love is blind. Then we met in person and… respectfully… they were chopped AF. What do I do?

Take a breather. Attraction can grow. Stockholm syndrome exists for a reason.

Sometimes the more you get to know someone, the hotter they become. Emotional intimacy is the best Instagram filter. And remember: Marriage Pact has a 100 percent success guarantee… except for that tiny, unhinged footnote where they mention, “In rare cases, you may be paired with a sibling.”

So honestly? If they’re not biologically related to you, you’re already ahead of the curve. Worst case, maintain the “love is blind” mentality and only hang out with your eyes closed or in the dark .

I’m in my no-work era, but I keep getting assigned homework. How should I balance that?

Here’s the thing: There’s a difference between being in your no unnecessary work era and being in your no consequences era. One is self-care, the other is academic probation.

So instead of fully committing to “I simply will not be participating,” maybe you pivot. Do the assignments worth the most points. Skim like you are speed-dating the syllabus. Give medium effort to low-stakes things but act like it was intentional. Romanticize locking in for 45 minutes and then dramatically closing your laptop like you just completed a war mission.

And yes, #GradeInflation might save you a little. But it is not a legally binding promise.

You absolutely do not need to grind 24/7. But if you want the GPA to stay cute, you unfortunately have to engage in at least some GPA-positive behaviors. Be in your “efficient but still passing” era. It’s less glamorous than “no work,” but it keeps your transcript sexy.

Someone took my reusable cup from Goodrich and drank from it. How do I get back at them? 

Follow them to their dorm and fill it with 2,000 reusable cups. Their room will be so annoying to walk through that they will learn their lesson — plus, they will never need to take your cup again with their unexpected surplus. Alternatively, you can tap them on the shoulder next time you see them and say, “Hey, just to let you know I have mono, so might wanna watch out next time.” Then take the cup and walk away. 

Why does every man on WOC board look the same?

The blessing of spending an obscene amount of time outdoors is that you slowly morph into each other. That and the fact that they only buy clothes from REI and Patagonia. Blundstones and fleeces only come in so many colors. 

I am so excited for Spring Fling, but I have never heard of Snow Strippers. What can I do to prepare?

Take off your clothes, step outside, and frolic.

Is it weird that I spend all my time on LinkedIn and Hinge?

Oddly enough, I feel like LinkedIn and Hinge have the same exact vibe: Both are apps you don’t really want people to see you on, but you can’t stop scrolling. You also don’t really learn enough from either to answer any burning questions, but you learn enough to pique your interest. They also can be used to inform one another. The only thing more exciting than searching your most recent Hinge match on LinkedIn is when one of your LinkedIn connections unexpectedly appears on your Hinge!