I am writing a thesis and it is sooooo much work. How do I balance everything?

First order of business: Stop complaining that you are writing a thesis. You knew it would be hard and you got yourself into this mess — it is not cool to complain about it. To “balance everything,” drop the thesis. There’s nothing stopping you. The thesis is not mandatory. Everyone will probably be grateful you dropped it because then you will stop complaining. Turn it into an independent study, then take some time to touch some grass, go outside, become a chiller, and reconnect with some friends you haven’t seen in weeks! You’ll only start getting FOMO once thesis presentations start happening in the spring, but hey, at least people won’t have the burden of going to yours. 

First Chance happened, and I did not get my first chance! I did not find the love of my life and did not even hook up with anyone! How can I make up for this devastating failure? Feeling #hopeless…

Yeah, sorry you could not hook up with some sweaty guy who drank too much white wine in the bathroom of lower Resky — you’re missing out on the real college experience. But, hey, there is 100 Days and Last Chance for a reason — this was just your first chance. Remember that by not hooking up with anyone you avoided the inevitable fear of ending up next to your misguided First Chance beau in a seminar. Perks of waiting until Last Chance are that there are no more seminars and no more worries of awkward interactions. Stay freaky. 

What are poppers, and why was everyone doing them at First Chance?

Poppers are a popular drug — alkyl nitrite compounds —  which are inhaled recreationally for a short-lived vasodilation and muscle relaxation. In short, they allegedly make you feel like you took 10 shots and smoked four joints for a short, minute-long period and then you feel normal again, but they do kill your brain cells. So don’t do drugs — they are not #EpheliaApproved. 

My crush took someone else to First Chance! She said she needed to take an sophomore because it was “tradition.” Should I take this as a sign she’s not interested in me?

Oof, yeah, hate to break it to you, but if she really liked you, she would have screwed tradition and just taken you. The real question is, did she hook up with her date? Because I guess if she didn’t, then you could tell yourself it was really because of “tradition,” even though that does seem sus — Ephelia never settles for second choice. You can sense the vibes. Maybe you can ask her to 100 Days and see where it goes from there. Or invite her to a formal? It is always formal season, so you could get an answer sooner if you invite her to one of those.