I pre-registered for classes based on how hot the professors were as a joke, but now I am realizing pre-registration is over, and I cannot change it. What should I do?

Hey, there are practical benefits to only taking classes based on professors’ attractiveness. One: If the professor is attractive, it probably means they were treated better during their life so they are therefore less angry. As a result, they may give nicer grades. (The downside to this theory is that because they are hot, they may not have to try to be liked, so they may actually grade harder.) Two: At least you will have something pretty to look at for three hours a week — that’s fun! Or, you could always wait until actual registration and drop/add period to fill your schedule with uglier professors whose courses may have more overlap with your interests. 

After Homecoming, I realized I am meant to be a football player. Can I join the team now, or is it too late?

Now, I don’t think football uses a “take-anyone-with-a-pulse” walk-on recruiting method like crew. That said, if you get really buff and are able to cradle a weird and pointy ball, I feel like football could take you. You can also ask if you can join as a mascot, so that no skill is required and you can still feel a part of a team. 

All the alums I met at Homecoming looked dead and tired. How do I make sure that is not me?

Don’t do cocaine. 

Why were you wearing a name tag at Homecoming? Doesn’t everyone know who you are?

Is the pope Catholic? Of course everyone knows who Ephelia is. It was mostly for aesthetic purposes, and so that when everyone posts me on their Instagram, their stupid followers from Amherst and Wesleyan can remember my name. 

Why does every person I make out with on Hoxsey turn out to be an economics major?

Talk about the most popular major at the College! This is not a reflection of you. It is a reflection of the pre-professional culture rampant among Williams students. Take it as an opportunity to find a rich husband who will land a job at Goldman Sachs or J.P. Morgan. Or, if you are really lucky, Evercore in the investment banking division! 

Is it bad that I only go to office hours because it feels like free therapy?

Not at all! This mentality is what the “On the Log” initiative is all about. The faculty at the College are known for their close relationships with students, so take advantage of that. Your favorite professor could serve as a therapist on the weeks you do not have an IWS appointment! But, make sure you don’t divulge too much information so your professor still takes you seriously — they do not need to hear about a failed Homecoming keg stand in front of your crush. Loser alert!