I’ve been striking out on Yik Yak lately. Everyone seems to find my witty observations bland. How do I get my ratio up?

The chilling of free discourse permeates every corner of the public forum. I’m sure whatever aphoristic slop you’re putting out there is just as funny as it’s ever been, but you can’t expect people to react the same way when things are the way they are. It’s also worth pointing out that there are a lot of people who scroll idly, feeding at the trough, but eschew their responsibility to validate you. Fret not. Someone has seen your stuff and chuckled a little; you might just need a sexier turn of phrase to elicit a precious upvote. 

Del Water Gap? More like Del Water Crap! Why do I keep seeing Instagram thirst-traps about this squirt?

Admittedly — with my level of musical education — I can’t pass judgement about his skill. What I can say is that you should get used to seeing that kind of sexual lionization. In our liberal arts world, petite scaffolds of flannel and distressed denim based out of transplants’ Bushwick apartments are par for the course. Unless you plan to aggressively restructure your social circles postgrad, you’re going to be dealing with throngs of his type. Sure, most of the time you don’t have to watch them awkwardly twist around a mic stand, but they will certainly be asking you to read their shitty manuscripts written in EB Garamond (or, god forbid, a Courier font). You’d best play along.

I’ve heard that Sensations might be cooked. How am I going to meet the love of my life before the year ends?

It seems like you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. I’m sure you have a glitzy summer internship waiting for you, so why bother now? You do not want twelve weeks of “How was work today?” texts as you try to get that three-year-old fake ID to work in the East Village. Remember: Love is really only found in the bottom of a borg or in the ten thousandth manual entry cell of an Excel spreadsheet, so keep it classy and bring the darty to you. I’m sure your Econ prof won’t mind if you slam that thing on the desk mid lecture.