My room smells bad because of my roommate. How do I tell them?
Ephelia does not like confrontation. You should buy a lot of scented candles and give them to your roommate anonymously. Say they are a gift from a secret lover who will only be able to find your roommate when they see the lit candles in their window. That way, your roommate will always light the scented candles and your room will always smell fresh and clean. Or use Febreeze if you wanna follow school rules.
I need my professor to curve the midterm, but they said they won’t. What can I do to change their mind?
Sometimes, if they give you a D on a midterm, that’s a signal they want you to give them some D ;). Just kidding. Don’t have sex with a professor — that is against so many social norms and school rules. The easiest thing to do is just to study harder and try to do better on the next exam. The next easiest thing to do is cry. Go to their office hours and just start sobbing. Maybe your professor will feel bad for you and then raise your grade.
How do I put on a condom?
Sorry, I only have udders :(. I heard some rumors that you can practice with a banana. Or maybe a water bottle for a “go big or go home” vibe. Maybe ask Peer Health to help out? Or the Health Center? No matter what, only protected sex is #EpheliaApproved.
My crush wants me to run the Turkey Trot with them, but I haven’t run since I took the Pacer Test in middle school. What should I do?
Train now. Stop reading the Record and just run (but come back to the Record later). Run everywhere. Run to class. Run to Spring Street Market. Run to Vermont. I don’t care where you run, but you will need to build endurance to take on this Turkey Trot with style. Also, buy a cute workout outfit. Worst case scenario: Even if you can’t run, you will look hot. If your crush really likes you, they will walk the Turkey Trot with you instead of having to run.
My friends are pre-med, and I want to tell them what type of doctor they should be based on their attractiveness. What are the most attractive doctors?
Obviously, plastic surgeons are the hottest. I mean, c’mon, that is self-explanatory. The ugliest should be a dermatologist. Looking at skin is not a sexy act and never will be. The middle ground for normal-looking people is being a pediatrician or general practitioner: A normal type of doctor requires a normal type of looks.
When is the best time to go to the gym?
Go when hot people are there. It will make you strive to be more attractive and show you what you can become. When no hot people are there, it will be hard to find motivation. Then again, hotness is obviously subjective. I personally think the most attractive crowd is there earlier in the mornings (like 8 a.m.), or you could try right at 4 p.m. to get some athlete action. Midday is the smallest crowd, so, by default, maybe the fewest attractive people.
All my friends are doing homework all the time. I feel like I have no homework, but I do not want to seem lame and not busy. What should I do?
Channel that no homework energy! Take a nature walk, frolic in the grass, eat some ice cream, do what you gotta do! You should be glad you have no work to do. Bask in the free time before you get your first full-time job, and your life becomes Severance IRL.
