My tutorial partner quoted Kris Jenner’s memoir in her response paper. How am I supposed to respond to that?

In the words of the infamous momager herself, “You’re doing amazing sweetie.” Praise your tutorial partner for their bravery and creativity. It takes a special person to read a celebrity memoir, but it takes someone exceptional to cite one in an academic setting. It might even be an avant-garde attempt to push social boundaries. Either way, I commend their fortitude.

I was contact-traced by a hookup. Does this mean I have to text him back?

Absolutely not. In fact, this gives you an excuse to never contact him again. Take advantage of this easy out, and cut that man loose. 

My friend wants to marry her current boyfriend, but I think he’s incredibly dull. Help?

Their relationship will go one of two ways: they break up, or they don’t. Odds are they go their separate ways, and time will drive them apart naturally. So let the universe do its thing, and say nothing for the sake of your friendship. Even if things do work out, dullness is not the worst thing in the world. All that matters is your friend is happy, respected, and making smart decisions.

Got any good dining hall hacks or cheap food solutions?

I subsist off oatmeal, frozen burritos, canned tuna, and a biweekly Domino’s brookie, so I am wildly unqualified to give nutritional advice.

Kiss, marry, kill — college flooring edition: linoleum, hardwood, carpet. 

Kiss, linoleum; marry, hardwood; kill, carpet.

Hardwood is beautiful, rich, and the obvious choice for marriage. Linoleum might not be as showy, but it cleans up nice — aesthetically, with a rug, and literally, with a mop. And carpet is disgusting to say the least.

As a WSO Dormtrak review says: “The carpets don’t seem to get a good clean between users because my boyfriend and I tried to do some *yoga* in my room during the start of fall semester, and our hands came away darkened and with short hairs.” Carpets never forget. 

I can’t tell if this girl I like is straight — she never talks about guys, and I’ve honestly never seen her with one. What do you suggest I do? 

This might sound crazy, but try explicitly expressing interest. You never know until you try — the stakes are low, and honesty is always the best policy.