While abroad, I went clubbing five nights a week. Now I can’t even bear going to Hoxsey — it’s too depressing. How do I get back into the College’s party scene?

Yeah, this one is real. You could try some soft or hard drugs, but those aren’t Ephelia-approved. I’d recommend settling for a chill wine night with some pals, pretending you are in the Swiss Alps. Or wear sunglasses while on Hoxsey — if you can’t see what’s going on, you won’t even know you aren’t in Europe anymore! 

I’m a frosh and I literally didn’t get into any club I wanted to get into. How will I fill my time?

Luckily, there are a lot of ways to fill your time at the College aside from overly exclusive a cappella groups and fake consulting firms for Spring Street businesses. First, try out the local dining scene. Ever been to this place called Tony’s? No!? Well, that’s your first stop. Then, try all of the other options in town — you can spend a couple afternoons doing that. Second, join some no-cut clubs. I heard the Record takes anyone these days. Third, hang out with your professors. Get a meal and chill with them; they are low-key paid to be your friend. Finally, have you ever heard of self-care? Yeah that’s right: Take a “me day” every day. Buy some face masks, pump some Sabrina Carpenter, and chill out. 

I still don’t understand how taxes work. At what point is it too embarrassing to ask someone to explain it to me like I’m five?

I’d say 25 is the cut-off point. If your brain is fully developed and you (hopefully) have worked some type of job, then you should generally understand how to fill out a W-9 and your taxes (please say you know what a W-9 is — if you don’t, that is embarrassing). For now, I would also ask someone who is paid to explain this subject to you so you can avoid judgment. Try the Career Center, or maybe a dean. Still not fully sure what the deans do, but it seems like they should be able to answer that one. 

I’m worried I talk too much in class, but I also loooove participating. How do I know if I’m being “that person”?

Pro-tip: Stay tapped into people’s reactions when you talk. Do people seem interested or like they would rather be literally anywhere else than listening to you speak? You can notice this by looking to see if people are nodding along or if they have blank stares, are yawning, or simply have daggers in their eyes. If any of the latter are true, maybe stop talking for a bit. Also, notice if people respond to what you say. Are people building off your points or ignoring them and moving on? If you’re being ignored, maybe wait until you think of something really exciting before contributing to the marketplace of ideas. 

My parents still track my location. How do I ask for privacy without seeming sus?

Well, good news is, as a Williams student, there is nowhere for you to go — unless you are driving to Pittsfield for a Tinder hookup, in which case that is sus and your parents should be tracking you. (Also, are you okay!?) Your parents probably pay your phone bill, so there’s no easy way to get out of this one. Maybe try airplane mode? Or subtly turning off location tracking on Life360? If your parents are anything like Papa and Mama Ephelia, they’ll probably just be confused rather than concerned.