This guy I like asked me to come rip a bong with him, but I’m scared of marijuana. How do I know if he’s a serious romantic prospect without joining him in his pastime?

Hmmmm. College is the time to try new things but, as I always say, even soft drugs are not #EpheliaApproved. If he is a good romantic possibility he will not force you to rip his bong. Maybe see this as an opportunity to see his room and take things from there ;). Another option is an outdoor bong experience: Think a campfire, some cold ones, and watch him take a rip or two… Tell him how strong he looks or something.

If he forces you to take a rip, drop it. Ephelia does not approve of peer pressure. Another option is being honest and offering another date adventure — maybe Snar or a dinner at Blue Mango? If he takes you up on your alternative plan he is a serious prospect. If not, drop the guy and move onto your next Eph. This campus is known for having a ton of viable men to choose from. 

Can I go to the second floor of Maud’s house when I go trick-or-treating?

Now, that seems a little ambitious. But if you really wanna snoop, say you were looking for the bathroom and got lost! If you don’t prepare a good reason to go upstairs it will probably seem suspicious. Also, pro tip: Contrary to the word on the street, not everything is up for grabs in Maud’s house. Only the candy in the designated bowl is available for taking, not like any personal photographs or her two-ply toilet paper or her special stash of Vegan Unicorn Cookies that she keeps for particularly boring Board of Trustees meetings. 

Will the Dining staff notice if I steal the purple cow slushy machine from Lee Snack Bar so I can have a frozen marg night in my dorm?

I have thought about this several times. If you take it late enough at night, then that’s probably chill. You also might need a football player or wrestler to help you carry the massive machine. Only people who don’t feel comfortable in their common rooms are in Lee’s past 11 p.m. But, I also have a feeling there are cameras so you should return it before, like, 4 a.m. And please send me, Ephelia, an invite to your frozen marg night… I take mine spicy with extra milk. 

Where on this campus can I find a bidet?

Williams is no Japan, so unfortunately I am unaware of any bathroom on this campus with a bidet. You could try using one of the eye-washing stations in the chemistry building — that seems very bidet-esque. You could also try a hose. Or you could just wipe better. 

I’m from Los Angeles, and when the weather drops to 50 degrees, I feel like I need a winter jacket, but no one is wearing them yet. How do I stay warm and not look like an idiot? 

Learn to stay warmer with less clothes on. It’s not rocket science. The Williams rule of thumb is until it is below 38 degrees Fahrenheit, it is not winter jacket weather. You can find a decently warm fall jacket from brands like L.L. Bean or Patagonia: Think fleece-lined denim, or quilted nylon, just not Super Puff bulk.