Epicureans say pleasure is everything, but my friends say I should stop hooking up with the librarian. Who should I listen to?
Ah, the “age old.” As in, the librarian is like five ages too old for you. If you go MILF, DILF, or NBILF, you may as well pursue someone more expedient — perhaps a future employer? Trust me, you don’t want to encounter Slimer, the scary ghost from Ghostbusters, in the Sawyer basement while getting rizzy.
If I hear one more a cappella performance, I might turn into a pumpkin. What should I do?
Carve a little love into your facade (in the shape of a jack-o’-lantern) and rest assured that those fine singy-chaps will improve their harmonies eventually. Stay tuned for their upcoming shows!
Where can I get breakfast on Sunday mornings?
Great question, chico. In addition to scrounging for the last crumbs of your half-eaten, two-day-old Snar cheeseburger, you might consider checking out [REDACTED] or [REDACTED]. If you’re feeling cheeky, maybe even [REDACTED]. Sorry to gatekeep, but a girl’s gotta keep her grazing private.
They say Williamstown is cold, but it’s been OD hot. How should I organize my wardrobe?
Dear frosh, silly goose flown South, I recommend wearing as little as possible (a three-piece suit, at least at our socially conservative institution) and sunbathing in the dirt lot. In addition to building up that much-needed immunity through healthy germs, it will replenish your vitamin D reserves in anticipation of your upcoming investment banking job. As Billy Corgan says: Despite all your rage, you’re still just a rat in a cage. When winter comes, just wear WilliamsPatagoniaSpandexTM.
An auditor in my English class won’t stop talking. How do I tell him to be quiet?
Perhaps entertain him with a game of Sudoku, or pass him a sweet little insult. The good news is there are 43 eager English majors vying for his spot as top yapper (they’ve got a Telegram group chat denoting their hierarchy). The cycle never ends, and so on and so on, as Slavoj Žižek says.
I’m going home for reading period, and I can’t stop thinking about seeing my ex. I know she’s bad for me, and all my friends are telling me I should leave her alone, but I don’t want to. What do I do?
The story of wanting to get back with your ex — as classic as cud-chewing. A few years back, I was dating this egotistical, lying, manipulative Highland who — let’s just say he grazed at every pasture he laid his eyes on. He tried to gaslight me into thinking that I was making things up, but I knew what he was. Long story short, I caught him red-hooved, and we broke up. Fast forward to this week — he’s just texted me saying how much he missed me, and I’m seeing him soon. So, honestly, I get it. Sometimes it’s hard to leave the past in the past, especially when it’s following you into the present. Sometimes you gotta get closure and go back once or twice (or my personal record, seven times) even if it leads to chaos.
If I skip a reading for class, should I still pretend to participate? I don’t want the professor to know I am lazy.
If you skipped a reading, do not participate in class. Everyone will see through you faking your way through the reading, especially the professor. You have a couple options: You can read one page in depth when the professor is talking and wait for a chance to comment on that. Or: Don’t participate a lot for the rest of the semester — just a little when you do the reading. Then the professor won’t get suspicious. Soldier on.
I don’t like dogs, but I feel like when I see a dog, I have to pet it and be super enthusiastic. What should I do? I hate lying about who I really am.
Proud dog parents should skip the rest of this paragraph. Not everybody likes dogs, and that’s okay! There are a few ways to approach this. You can keep your distance and politely say, “That’s nice!” when someone approaches you with a dog. You can smile and nod and keep your mouth shut (if you don’t say any words, you aren’t lying). Or, you can just run away and say you forgot to get your cardio in for the day. (Just make sure the dog doesn’t think you’re playing tag!)
