I feel overwhelmed trying to balance sleep, work, and my social life. How do I fit it all?

As a cow, I do all three of these at once, so it is hard for me to offer you concrete advice. I don’t understand how time management can be so difficult. It’s hard to get stressed when you are constantly chewing on the half-digested remains of yesterday’s meal. That’s just my mental health hack, but feel free to find your own! 

Everybody seems to be watching Severance together each Thursday. Do I have to pretend to know the show so my friends don’t freak out? 

You don’t know what Severance is?! Who the heck do you think you are? Even I — a literal cow — have my own meticulously-crafted theories for what lies at the bottom of Cold Harbor.  

My soap smells really good. Is it a problem if I eat it?

If you are referring to the Dove cucumber body wash gel from Spring Street Market, I know exactly what you are talking about. While many animals tend to have more sophisticated sniffers than humans, cows have inferior bodily function overall. And yet, whenever I get a whiff of that sweet chemical nectar on a passerby, I want to lick them. Go for it!

What do I do if I have an obsessive crush on a dead president?

Is it Grover Cleveland? Maybe my animal brain is just drawn to a guy who sounds like he could be a tree nymph, but I do think that hunk had some real sex appeal. Given that it’s probably Grover, you are going to have to get over him, honey. He is a heartbreaker; trust me, I’ve been around the pasture.

I accidentally left an enchanted family heirloom from the Carpathian mountains, which my great-grandfather bequeathed to me in his will, in the Sawyer lobby. What should I do?

Don’t fear. One time, one of my calves accidentally got stuck in a Wachenheim shower, lit a candle, and said the name of the last five college registrars backward, thus summoning the ghost of Ephraim Williams himself. It turned out that the ghost was just a geoscience major who had gotten all grimy from the rocks, or whatever, and he was in there rinsing off. None of that enchantment stuff is real.

Dear Ephelia, how are babies made?

You know, I may be the cow with answers to every question in the universe, but I have still been thinking through this one myself. My theory is it has something to do with what goes on in the Crystal when the weather is nice.