What shoes do you recommend now that we’re in slush season?
I guess you’re pretty jealous of my hooves now, huh? Those things are all-weather, baby. But given that every square inch of sidewalk on this campus is now muddy, wet, and covered by knee-deep puddles, I’m willing to impart some wisdom to help my human readers keep their feet warm and dry: If you would like to look like every single other student on this campus, I would recommend investing in a pair of Blundstones or Doc Martens. If you want to be unique, I would encourage you to branch out into less basic footwear choices — specifically, flip flops or some other open-toed shoes. You gotta let the dawgs breathe. I know they haven’t seen sunlight in months.
I lost my Super Puff on Hoxsey. How do I get it back?
I’m sorry for your loss. That jacket is gone. It is now in the collective stewardship of the College, passed down like a cursed relic. A more naïve advice columnist might suggest WSO, but spoiler alert: That never works. Maybe you’ll spot it at a party next weekend, and dance with a stranger who will insist they’ve “always had it.” You could try reclaiming it, but do you really want to wrestle a man mountain at 2 a.m.? To put it bluntly, your only real option here is acceptance. Time to budget for a Uniqlo replacement, or if you’re looking to be a bit more sustainable, your seventh grade winter jacket from Lands’ End is often a very trendy fracket!
Ephelia, do you have any cute date ideas for long-distance relationships?
You need to embrace creativity (and a high tolerance for Wi-Fi lag). Some options:
Dinner & a movie, LDR style: Order each other mystery UberEats meals, then watch a movie while analyzing the food. Bonus points if you go feral on Letterboxd afterward.
Super low-effort bonding: Stream your work sessions together, but in silence, like two cats sitting in the same room. Super romantic.
Commit to the bit: Write each other actual letters. Yeah, I’m talking pen and paper. Start addressing your lover in full 19th-century prose. The frost lingers cruelly in the hills, and my heart aches with longing… You’ll either fall deeper in love or get the ick. Either way, you’ll know where your relationship stands.
I did Marriage Pact, and I think my match is really cute. How can I get this relationship started?
Oh, so you’ve gotten yourself into a contractual relationship? Here’s your game plan: First, do your research. Figure out where they get their meals and when their classes are. Then, casually bump into them everywhere. Hollander basement? “Oh hey, what a coincidence!” Beanbags in Schow? “Wow, it’s so weird we’re both here … alone … again.” Then drop some hints like, “So, when should we pick our wedding color palette? I hear purple (#500082) and gold (#FFBE0A) are great choices.” If they look horrified, just think of it as a great story for your wedding toast. Good luck, lovebird!
I hate one of my professors. Help!
No offense — they definitely hate you back. But that can be a good thing. It’s like a weird, unspoken thing that fuels your academic domination. It’s important for the plot. You’re the underdog, so every time they give you that evil side-eye, you’re winning. Yes, they control your grade, but ultimately, you’ll be free in a few months, and they’re stuck teaching [course name redacted] forever.
