I have so much dandruff from this dry winter season. What should I do? Thanks!

Dear gentle reader, as someone with a full-body scalp (cowhide), I don’t play about scalp health. Scalp fungus is REAL and it’s knocking at your door. Are you going to bed with a wet head? Putting on a hat after taking a shower? You are inviting a fungal frenzy, my friend, and you need to pull your head out of the snow. I recommend jojoba oil, Nizoral™ anti-dandruff shampoo, and more than just towel drying — stick your head out of a moving car window like a dog if that’s what it takes! If after all that, you still face ridicule for specks of dandruff flaking off onto your shoulders, you can always just say it snowed earlier.

My boyfriend’s “girl best friend” just did an entire Valentine’s Day post for him. I’m not a paranoid person, but… what do I do? 

I’d say you’re only in trouble if the post contained more than three items from the following list: a backlit photo at a museum, a sparkle heart emoji, a pasta dish, a stinky one-liner about “knowing you,” a pomegranate, a blurry-but-objectively-sexual photo, zero other people, or an accompanying story post. If the post is checking too many of these boxes, it’s time to break up. Or, have we ruled out a polycule?

Hi Ephelia! Should I get a secret dog to live in my Perry flex room? It’s drab in here. 

I urge you to reflect on the realities of pet-keeping. If your dorm room can’t even keep you going, it can’t sustain a dog either. Medium-sized dogs shit fast and wide, big ones need more than the end of a twin XL, and the little ones talk. Fish are more discreet — good luck keeping a terrier quiet. With that yapping, CSS would be on you like a rat up a drain pipe, my friend. CSS also has a lovely, blind dog named Spirit in upper Hopkins if you need a furry friend. I’m sure they would much rather set you up with a playdate than a fine.

I know cows lie down before it’s about to rain… how much more winter can we expect considering your proclivity for weather prediction? 

I am shocked by this assumption. I am not your groundhog. Go stick your dick in the snow and see if it shrinks. 

I just realized drop/add ended, and I’m two weeks into French 407. I thought it was France 1407 (I have a love for the Armagnac-Burgundian Civil War). I do not speak French. Help! 

Wow! I’m not sure how you have managed to get through two weeks of class without a lick of French, but what’s another eight? Unless you want to make up for a withdrawal on your transcript, download Duolingo, start watching The Ultimatum: France, and when in doubt, hit your professor with a pensive “c’est la vie.” 

Dear Ephelia, I’m worried my boyfriend might be gay. What should I do? 

If you are a boy, this is not a problem. If you are a girl, keep him satisfied by saying things like, “Oh yeah, bro” and “don’t tell coach about this” during sex.