I talked to this guy in 71 once. Since then, he’s been giving me “the eyes” (iykyk) every time I see him in Resky. How do I make him marry me?

The key to getting those matching last names after graduation and joining 21.89 percent of married Ephs is strategic exposure. For the next week, track when you see him in Paresky and make those your regular meal times. Before you know it, you’ll be back on Hoxsey trying to dance together while being pushed by people trying to enter an already-past-the-fire-department-limit-full house. The rest will be history.

I’ve liked this girl in my friend group for a long time. We spend a lot of time together, and now, when my friends ask me my type, all I can think about is her. I think she might like me too, and I want to tell her, but I’m scared it might ruin our friendship. Help! 

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, there’s no better time to let her know how you feel. You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take! While the idea of expressing your feelings might seem daunting, sometimes you have to say something. Get out of your head and be honest with her — you might just get the answer you’re hoping for.

If she likes you back, moo! If not, friendships have survived far more awkward situations. Worst case scenario? You wallow in your room listening to “Marvin’s Room” all night.

As for your friends, if you do end up together, there may be an adjustment period, but real friends will support your happiness. If they don’t, you and your girl are probably one of those annoying couples who make out in Paresky. I wouldn’t wanna be friends with you guys either.

My girlfriend and I got together at the beginning of Winter Study but she’s maaad boring now. Ephelia, what do I do?

Don’t let your girlfriend stop you from finding your wife. If you’re bored I think it’s time for you to break up. Don’t drag her on – it’s not fair to either of you. And to this person’s girlfriend, if you’re reading this, don’t let him do you dirty. Dance with one of his friends next weekend; start liking one of his teammate’s stories; steal his ID and use all his Ephpoints (if the College ever gives us more) — and listen to your friends next time when they tell you not to give the medium-ugly guy a chance just because he knows the “sidewalk rule.” 

I wanted to host a Galentine’s party with my friends, but they all have plans with their boyfriends or are going on dates. I tried to play it cool and act like I don’t care, but now I’m sitting here, with a dry phone, hoping one of the guys I’ve been reaching out to will ask me to be their Valentine. I’m tired of being single. Any advice?

Thanks for reaching out! In my expert opinion, you might be cooked. Even I have people asking me to be their Valentine — and I’m literally a cow. Hate to say it, but this sounds like a you problem. Maybe it’s time to stop rapid-fire texting everyone in your following list. That’s always worked for me. In the meantime, I’d recommend curating a solid Letterboxd watchlist and stocking up on snacks — looks like you’re celebrating Valentine’s solo this year.

Anyway, tell your friends congrats on their dates. Maybe I’ll run into them while I’m at The Barn. Better luck next year!