Ephelia, how often do I have to wash my water bottle?
Many people will lie to you about this, but I am here to set you free. Your water bottle and your mouth form a closed ecosystem: Nothing new comes in and nothing new goes out (that cloudy water from your dorm’s bathroom sink water is obviously a truly neutral liquid). Therefore, washing your water bottle is not only unnecessary but also violates the sanctity of the microbial universe that has been growing in your bottle — no matter what your pre-med friends might tell you.
Why does Mission look like that?
Ah, the core questions of our world… Is God real? Do any truly good people exist? And, of course, what could they have possibly been thinking when they plopped the World’s Worst Use of Concrete at the bottom of Mission Hill? In the past, Mission served an important purpose in the College’s housing landscape as a first-year dorm. Your upperclass residences were guaranteed to be upgrades, at least in the having-right-angles and not-being-painted-spooky-colors departments. However, this orderly universe is no longer: Dear reader, you can now be a senior living in Mission. But at least you’ll sleep easy knowing that you’ll live through the apocalypse, since Mission was, allegedly, designed to be riot-proof.
Do you have any New Year’s resolutions?
Lots, many of which I cannot disclose for legal reasons. But here are a few that I’m at liberty to share:
1. Finishing Dune. I’m really trying, but that book is so gosh darn long.
2. Quitting smoking (it makes the milk taste bad).
3. Learning how to speak English. The Record is getting really tired of having to translate my moos.
Who are some good professors to take classes with this spring?
Why the hell are you asking me that? How should I know? Those freaks won’t let me sign up for their classes. They always make excuses about me “not meeting the prerequisites” and “not being able to sit in human chairs,” but I know they’re just intimidated by my intellectual prowess. It sure would be embarrassing to be upstaged by a cow in your own classroom.
Recommendations for how to get cuffed by Valentine’s Day?
You might be thinking that you still have a few weeks to get this one sorted out, but I argue your time frame is much shorter. You have to be going steady enough to warrant an Instagram stories post (the purest expression of love, as we all know). That doesn’t just happen overnight. Factoring in an awkward meetup on Hoxsey, the inevitable “what are we” conversation, and a minimum 10 days of committed bliss, you’d better get a mooo-ve on and find some snazzy singles in your area ASAP (1-800-EPH-ELIA).
