Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Yes, returning for your fourth Diet Coke at the Sawyer vending machine counts as procrastination. Get to work!
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): There’s nothing cute about pulling an all-nighter in Lee’s — at least do it in the 24-hour room. But, preferably, get some sleep!
Aries (March 21–April 19): Who are you kidding? Your group is definitely not going to start the class project anytime soon. You need to be a big boy and do it yourself.
Taurus (April 20–May 20): You know, you can only test your professor’s extension policy for so long. They’re eventually going to just say no.
Gemini (May 21–June 21): Now is really not the time to be distracting yourself with a new love interest … unless they, for some godforsaken reason, plan to write your philosophy paper for you.
Cancer (June 22–July 22): Unfortunately, nothing — not even trusty ChatGPT — can save you from your exams. It’s time to hit the books.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Nobody wants to fill out a survey for your STAT 101 project, no matter how many chances at winning a Happy Chick you promise. Sorry, it’s the truth.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Given your intense emotional attachment, it’s probably time to mentally prepare for when Goodrich closes at the end of the semester. You do not want your dirty chai dependency rearing its head mid-exam.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 23): If you’re starting to regret going pre-med, just remember that… Who am I kidding, you completely brought that upon yourself. Your actions have consequences.
Scorpio (Oct. 24–Nov. 21): Let’s lay off the Spring Street meals. Daddy’s credit card needs some time off, just like the rest of us.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Not to stress you out ahead of finals week, but it’s probably already too late to book that Airbnb in Montreal for Dead Week. No shame in a trip that never made it out of the group chat!
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): Finals may be stressful, and you might have the urge to work through Saturday night, but you ultimately owe it to your community to go out this weekend. I don’t make the rules.
