I’m in love with my best friend. This campus is too small for amicable social distancing. What should I do?

A tale as old as time. Star-crossed lovers, except only one of you is a lover, and the other is probably Normal. The way I see it, this can go one of two ways: You either publicly prompose for Last Chance (simply get everyone in Lee’s to hand your beloved an individual rose until they feel awkward enough to say “yes”), or bury your feelings deep inside and wait for your friend to do something fundamentally unattractive, like drop some jalapeño cream cheese on their pant leg at Goodrich or be weirdly competitive about how terrible their finals are this semester (“Oh my GOD, all my papers are due at the sixth ring of the bells at midnight tomorrow and I haven’t slept in 14 years and my professor told me he would give me a SUPER stern look if I asked for an extension!”). Or, you know, call me — that’s 1-800-EPHLOVE <3

I’m just finishing my frosh fall, and I don’t know if I click with the friends I’ve made so far. Do you have any advice on how to “find my people”?

I had the exact same issue freshman fall, and now I’m writing anonymous columns as a way to connect with my peers without having to show my face or any vulnerability. There are ways to do it if you work hard enough! This is a trust-the-process moment: Way more people are feeling like this right now than you think. But, if you’re actually annoying, it’s going to get hard after a few years because everyone will know you by then, so you might want to consider transferring to a bigger school. On the bright side, “bigger” means any school at all, anywhere in the world.

I’m having a little bit of an identity crisis. I’m just your average guy, and I love basketball, partially because my dad was my high school coach and loves it too. But then I met this girl, who loves science, and we sang a duet together on New Year’s Eve. Sparks flew, and everyone danced in the background. I loved singing, and I loved singing with her. Now I feel like I have to choose between basketball and the school musical, and my friend Chad is really mad at me for prioritizing singing in the musical and my new girl over the team. My head’s in the game, but my heart’s in the song. What should I do?

Whoever wrote this: not funny. Don’t make fun of High School Musical. That’s where I draw the line. I dare you to try to dribble and sing at the same time. You can’t, can you? Sit back down.

However, if this is really Troy Bolton: I had a poster of you on my wall as a kid. I’m gay now, but I think I maybe wanted to be you. Thank you for your service.

I spend a lot of time in the 24-hour room in Sawyer, and I noticed that they replaced the real fireplace with an electronic one. It doesn’t emit any heat. I don’t know if it’s weird that I’m this upset about it, but it’s affecting my ability to study. Do you have any suggestions?

Make your own fire. That’s right. You know what I’m saying. I don’t mean arson, but I definitely don’t not mean setting fire to something. Be the change you want to see in the world.