My roommate invited their nine very annoying friends to our flex double. There’s no way they’ll all fit. Plus it’s my space, too. Help!
Unless your dorm room has that wardrobe from Narnia, this is not going to work. You could politely ask your roomie to move the hangout to a croom or, better yet, Mars. If all else fails, set up a tent in the hallway and start charging rent. Maybe throw in some room service options, too. Before you know it, you’ll be running your own Airbnb. If you’re going to be uncomfortable, you might as well profit from it.
I signed up for an 8 a.m. lecture, and now I can’t drop it. What do I do?
Well, that was aspirational. Now that reality has set in, it’s time to face the truth: There’s no way to be awake and enthusiastic at that unholy hour. Your best course of action is to lean into the sleepy girl aesthetic. Throw on that oversized hoodie and your Converse, and tie your hair up in a messy bun. Luckily, it’s a lecture, so once you get to class, you can take a seat against the wall and catch a few winks between slides. If you somehow get called on, say something vague but profound, like, “I really appreciate the intersection of theory and practice here,” then go back to dreaming about your twin XL.
What’s the best way to avoid running into my ex at Resky?
Easy. Every time you walk in, pretend you’re in a spy movie. Check for your ex, then duck behind the Lee Snack Bar drink fountain, knock over a chair, and casually sprint to the farthest corner. If you’re caught, just shrug and say, “Oh, I thought I saw a squirrel. You know how it is.” It’s the most effective tactic, and you’ll leave your ex wondering if they’re part of a heist movie they never knew about. Or at least very confused.
My roommate has a plant they treat better than me. Should I be worried?
A tale as old as time: That leafy thing in the corner of your room gets more compliments, water, and nurturing words of encouragement than you ever have. You’ve heard it all: “Reggie’s looking a bit limp, I hope he’s okay,” and “Hey, could you not open the blinds so early in the morning? Bob is a medium shade plant.”
Should you be worried? Well, it depends. If the plant is looking healthier, more vibrant, and more emotionally stable than you are, then yes, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your self-care routine. But before you spiral, consider the fact that your plant doesn’t have to worry about looming deadlines, social pressure, or pesky existential crises. Maybe it’s time you take a leaf from its book: Get yourself a routine, a little self-love, and maybe a bit more sunlight. And remember: Like plants, humans thrive on water, not Svedka.
