I just found out that my Goodrich barista crush doesn’t even know my name. Should I give up hope on a future relationship?

We’ve all been there, but don’t worry. Roleplay is really in this semester. Try taking their order and asking for their name. I bet they’ll be touched that you thought of them like that, and they’ll start making an effort to remember your name. Or they won’t, in which case, I have to say: Seek love elsewhere. As a wise Eph once said, your soulmate is probably not in Goodrich Coffee Bar.

What is the etiquette for swiping right on friends on Tinder? I think it’s funny, but we never seem to match.

I have never experimented with Tinder. I am a cow. 

But, real talk: EphMatch is for matching with your friends. Tinder is, as we all know, only for serious romantic pursuits. Swipe with care. Also, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but it seems like your friends don’t think you’re hot. Casual acquaintances or strangers are your best bet. 

My backpack is so heavy because I carry my course packets everywhere. It is so annoying. What should I do?

Everyone knows that the real point of course packets is to show off all the hard classes you’re taking. Maybe the problem is that you’re keeping them hidden in your backpack in the first place. A simple suggestion is to just carry them in your arms (with the title facing out, of course). If you carry them out of your bag, maybe they’ll even be knocked out of your arms by an attractive stranger who will think you’re really smart and help you pick them up. You could also invest in a clear plastic tote bag that makes them incredibly visible. Or you could leave them in your room — just make sure to bring them up in conversation a lot. Remember: It’s not how much you read, but how much you talk about how much you read.

I think my WCFM show co-host doesn’t like my taste in music. Is it time for me to explore new artists?

Spotify is about to stop collecting data for Wrapped 2024, so you’re basically stuck with your music selections from the past nine months. I say stick to your guns. But if you do decide to battle it out with your co-host, make sure you do it on air. I’ve always got 91.9 playing, and I want to hear that fight go down. Just make sure you don’t use explicit words between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m., as that would violate WCFM’s broadcasting policies. 

I want to learn how to lift, but I am so frightened of athletes. Lower Lasell seems a far-off fantasy. Is it over for me?

Let’s be real. You don’t want to go to Lower Lasell, and this is just your excuse. It’s okay to not want to do strength training, but don’t blame it on the location. Instead, toughen up. If you really want to work your way up, you can also start by lifting your books (nerd!) and your course packets (see above). I’ve also heard that the average MicroFridge weighs exactly 85 pounds (0.061 Ephelias), so you can move yours back and forth around your room, if you think you’re up to the task. Or, if you’re female-identifying, sign up for the women’s weight training P.E. class.