I’m looking for a serious relationship. Will I find one on dating apps?
When I was a child, my local science museum had this exhibit where you could dig for gold. The museum people would hand you a rectangular sieve and, in the hopes of striking gold (read: tungsten alloy that you were deceived into thinking was a precious metal), you would spend hours sifting through a coarse dirt mixture. It was laborious and ungratifying, yet I returned every weekend, hopeful that this time would be different. Dating apps are no different. Odds you find something good are slim, and, even if you think you’ve found something special, it may end up being tungsten. That being said, there’s something fun about dating apps, and some people really do find meaningful relationships through them. So have an open mind and have fun.
Not to be a total jerk, but there are days when I want to walk around campus without having to do the small talk thing. What are some polite ways to avoid social interactions on campus?
Social avoidance is an art, and I am Leonardo DaVinci. Sometimes I refer back to the basic headphones-in, main character technique, but my work has been getting more experimental as of late. I’ve been capitalizing on my blindness, so when people ask me whether I saw them or why I didn’t say hello, I say, “Oops! Didn’t have my contacts in.” Other times, when I am feeling particularly theatrical, I pretend to be on an intense phone call and scream into the weather app. My favorite new technique, however, is the death stare. I look someone dead in the eyes, then swiftly look away and carry on with my day as if nothing happened. Strangely cathartic, I must admit.
Dear Ephelia, my ex just started hooking up with my chemistry lab partner. What should I do? How do I cope?
Some people write breakup songs, others cut their own bangs, and the most cerebral of the dumpees write revenge theses. Channel whatever relationship turmoil, jealousy, and regret you are currently harboring into a piece of research. Show your ex just how big of a mistake they made with a first-author publication. Revenge research isn’t your style? Embrace Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle and let quantum uncertainty carry you to the other side of your breakup.
How do I get rid of clingy boys at parties and go home alone?
You may think you can just say, “I have to go see my significant other,” but Williams is far too small for that to work if it’s not true. I’ve pulled that one, as well as the “I’m not into guys” trick, and I’ve either been caught in my lie or been branded a closeted lesbian. Although “no” should work, sometimes it takes a bit more creativity to shake a clingy man. Pretend like you can’t hear anything they are saying and go mute, tell them that you’re 13 and that they are therefore a disgusting pervert, or make them think you’re crazy by sharing your deepest problems — the more tears, the better.
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