I’ve been hit with writer’s block and have a 10-page paper due in a few days. How do I conjure the creative spirits to produce a masterpiece on Ron DeSantis’s penchant for high heels? 

I have been writing this column every week for almost two years now, so I know a thing or two about writer’s block. If I were rational, I would do something like set a timer for 20 minutes and force myself to free write, or maybe even ~take a step away~ from my work and do something that feels good. But I am not rational, so instead, I take all the posters off of my walls, shove my furniture into a corner, and stare at the barren room until I have an idea. 

Considering that you are writing about a pair of boots that has been the subject of intense online discussion, a quick visit to X (formerly known as Twitter) may also help get the creative juices flowing. I’ve seen countless diagrams theorizing where his feet end and begin and how high his real heels are off the ground, not to mention plenty of clever jokes that inadvertently get at the importance of gender performance on campaigns. 

What are the best ways to pass the time while on hold with your insurance company’s customer service department?

Ahh, being on hold, the joys of adulthood! David Foster Wallace delivered a college commencement speech about how people should embrace the mundane and see the banal as beautiful proof of existence, so you could turn being on hold into a mindful moment and stop to smell the roses. Less mindful alternatives include: rotting in bed on your phone; making a to-do list and planning out your week; picking up the clothes on your floor; cleaning out your fridge; or, my personal favorite, biting your nails (yum!). 

Regardless of what you choose, just remember to mute yourself. You never know who is listening.

At least half of my girlfriend’s texts are made up exclusively of emojis. She gets upset every time we have a text miscommunication, but I don’t know how to navigate this post-linguistic apocalypse. Please help.

Lucky for you there are subreddits full of confused people trying to decode the meaning behind emojis. If you care about your relationship, and your girlfriend is unwilling to compromise on her emoticon usage, then use these as a resource. Alternatively, if you’re more of an eye-for-an-eye kind of person, start converting your texts to binary so she gets a taste of her own medicine. Tell her to get out her ASCII table and have fun with those 0’s and 1’s: 01111000 01101111 01111000 01101111.

How do I emotionally prepare for a Glow notification? I don’t know how many more “a comment has been made on your submission”s I can take.  

This may come as a surprise, but a B+ will not ruin your life. You will get a job, you will go to graduate school — if that’s something that you want — and you won’t be any less of a human being. For the love of all things holy, choose peace and turn off your Canvas notifications. 

I’m getting too old to wear lululemon leggings to class — how can I dress more like a grown-up? What does it even mean to dress like a grown-up? 

“Grown-up” is synonymous with “business casual.” Seriously, I looked it up in the Merriam-Webster dictionary. So, start amassing a collection of button-downs, find a nice pair of loafers, and pick out the perfect chinos. I can’t offer any recommendations because I am desperately clinging to my youth and leaning into the whole college student thing, but I am sure the finance bros can point you in the right direction.

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