Dear Ephelia, I’m realizing that I’ve become apathetic and started acting like a word that rhymes with “witch.” Now that I’ve recognized my rhyme-with-witchiness, how can I grow out of this lesser skin?
Life is one big performance art piece, or at least that’s what I tell myself. Instead of criticizing others and getting upset when things don’t go my way, I think of the absurdities of life as points in my private sitcom where we play the laugh track. You get to decide who you are in this grand tragicomedy. Do you want to be the protagonist of a heartwarming rom-com, a bitter scrooge in a drama, or an insufferable teenager in a bildungsroman? The choice is yours.
Alternatively, if you don’t have the energy or emotional bandwidth for this paradigm shift but are still serious about being more agreeable, restrict your responses to haikus. You can only be so mean in five to seven syllables. Plus, it’s probably good for neuroplasticity or something — I don’t know. Ask a cognitive science concentrator.
Help. I accidentally used a cliché in my English seminar and am worried I’ve lost all credibility. How can I regain my aura of intellectualism?
Yikes. Using common people speak in a seminar is a cardinal sin. I don’t know if this is something you will ever be able to recover from, but you can surely try. Reassert your intellectual prowess by speaking in virtually incomprehensible, convoluted metaphors and referencing esoteric, borderline unreadable texts. Hegel is always a good choice — no one understands that guy.
Replace simple phrases with more complicated ones. Instead of, “I see connections between different texts in this piece,” say, “A hermeneutic lens unveils the latent intertextuality inherent in this literary diorama.” A text has multiple meanings that make you feel something difficult to describe? Try, “This text’s enigmatic polysemy evokes an affective response emblematic of the ineffable sublime.” See, anyone can be insufferable and pompous!
My boyfriend is a philosophy major, and every date turns into a Socratic dialogue. How do I keep the spark alive when all he wants to talk about is the meaninglessness of life?
Two words: Nietzsche roleplay.
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