Dear Ephelia, I hooked up with my ex. It was great, but now I am really confused. I don’t see us getting back together, but I also don’t see this casual thing lasting very long. What should I do?

Not sure if you missed the memo, but getting with your ex rarely ends well… Sure, it might be pleasurable for two minutes, but pleasure is pain’s greatest wingman. In the long run, it is not worth stirring up all of those old, complicated feelings. You already went through the pain of breaking up once, so move on and don’t subject yourself to that experience again. Dwelling on the past only holds you back from a better, brighter future. Whatever it is you are craving — physical satisfaction, love, validation, etc. — there is a world full of people capable of providing it, including yourself. 

The people who live on my floor apparently have horrible bathroom etiquette, and I am now suffering the consequences. Every time I walk into the bathroom, I gag. Please tell me how I can avoid becoming physically violent. 

Nothing ruins your day quite like a disgusting communal bathroom, so, dearest reader, I send my most sincere condolences. Your first course of action is to talk to the registered bathroom offender. If you know who they are, ask them nicely to stop peeing on the toilet seat, plastering their hair to shower walls, violating the sink, and what have you. It’s going to be awkward, probably really awkward, so, if that conversation is outside your comfort zone, designate your dirty work to your house coordinator. If you don’t know who is at fault, send a GroupMe message or, again, delegate that task to your house coordinator. 

After several reasonable attempts to communicate, we elevate to DEFCON 2. Launch a smear campaign against your neighbors with fun signage and aggressive GroupMe messages if public shaming is your kind of thing. If you are morally righteous and above pettiness, Wachenheim is open 24/7 and replete with a basement shower. 

What do I do if all of my friends (rightfully) hate my crush?

This little parenthetical remark suggests that you see what your friends see, so finding a new crush seems like the logical solution. The fact that you are asking this question, however, implies that you might have a predilection for toxicity, and who am I to judge? To satisfy your self-destructive urges while also maintaining your friendships, you’ll need to tread carefully. Spend time with your friends individually and avoid bringing up your crush unless they do so first. Of course, you want to be able to talk to your friends about anything, but you unfortunately can’t have it all. 

I saw a mouse scurrying around in the corner of my room last night and am mildly terrified. Please help.

There is no need to be scared, but you should probably start to sleep with your mouth closed. As someone who gags when I eat meat, I can’t in good conscience recommend mouse traps as they typically inflict a slow, painful death. Instead, I recommend that you connect with the reader who submitted question #2 to send your furry friend to a loving home. I’m sure they have several perfect rooms in mind. 

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