Dear Ephelia

Ephelia Ephelia

How do you ask someone about their sexuality without actually asking?

“Do you listen to girl in red?” is a classic, although it’s a bit outdated now. Your best bet is to politely hit on them. Tell them you think they’re attractive, ask them for their number, maybe ask them out on a date — that kind of thing. If they are reciprocating and consenting, it is a good sign that they are also into you. However, be prepared to hear any possible response. 

P.S. I am assuming that you’re asking this because you want to get with someone or set a friend up with someone. If you are trying to figure out someone’s sexuality for purely speculative reasons, that’s not cool, and you should probably mind your own business.

Dear Ephelia, every day after my 8:30 a.m. class, I venture to Goodrich with my swipe card and a dream. Is today the day the day they finally have matcha? The answer is almost always no, which begs the question: Why is Goodrich always out of everything?

Due to unprecedented supply chain disruptions, small businesses are struggling to obtain the products they need in a timely and affordable manner. I assure you, Tunnel, Dunkin’, Spring Street Market, and Spoon are mere exceptions; Goodrich is the rule. The management team tells me that it is working hard to provide you with your bagels and beverages and procuring the necessary supplies is not as easy as one might think! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results, but keep on dreaming. Maybe one day they will have honey walnut cream cheese for you. 

*This message is sponsored by Goodrich Coffee Bar.*

With pre-registration right around the corner, I am wondering whether I should take courses that would let me get a high-paying job, or ones that would help me sound smart in conversations with annoying people? 

The beauty of a Williams education is that you are able to get a high-paying job and sound smart in conversations with self-righteous people, regardless of what courses you choose to take. A common strategy for optimizing that Williams clout is to choose one marketable major — math, computer science, economics — and something that screams “I’m smart” in a particularly liberal arts way — history, English, philosophy. 

I don’t know if he’s playing video games or assembling Ikea furniture with someone, but a lot of screaming and banging comes from my JA’s room at night. How, if at all, should I confront him?

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: cryptic notes. Collect magazine or newspaper clippings, piece together a threatening note, and leave it on the door of your beloved JA. If you prefer a more aggressive approach, fight fire with fire. Blast a loud, horrible audiobook that’ll surely kill their mood. Move around furniture. Host a drum circle with your friends. Maybe even play “video games” loudly yourself. Worse comes to worst, you can always invest in earplugs. 

Hey Ephelia, what majors wouldn’t you date? 

1. Geosciences — Rocks are just an ick for me, sorry not sorry.

2. Political Science — Go read your Machiavelli and plot your 2036 presidential campaign, but leave me out of it. 

3. Computer Science — I get that you guys are smart, but, respectfully, showers are not elective. 

4. Psychology — Oh you mean you have a degree in gaslighting? Pass.

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