Dear Ephelia

Ephelia Ephelia

 I refuse to drink fewer lattes but I also lack the funds to continue consuming them at my present rate. How do you suggest I finance my caffeine addiction? 

The obvious answer is to get a job. You could be a tour guide, a research assistant, a TA, or maybe even a nude model. If you prefer to take the path less traveled and want to tap into your entrepreneurial side, here are some simple and ethical side hustle ideas: start a used sock business, invent the next major social network that will cripple democracy, write a best-selling novel with all that free time, sell your plasma, or take advantage of the College’s free energy and mine bitcoin from your dorm room! 

If and when is it appropriate to take off your shoes on campus? 

I myself am a shoe hater so I empathize with the desire to let the dogs breathe, but it is probably good to comply with social norms. As a rule of big toe, I’d say to wear your shoes in and on the way to public spaces. That includes dining halls, class, and the walk to your secluded study space. When you are alone and unperceived, then appropriateness does not exist, and you are free to do as you please. 

Can NARPs and athletes ever be together? 

The NARP-athlete divide is almost as stark as that of the Montagues and Capulets. So, unless you’ve found your Romeo — or wildly incompatible schedules are your thing — I suggest finding a love a little less starcrossed. 

This has been tormenting me, so, please, what is the difference between cheeseburger and double cheeseburger soup? 

If there is one thing Williams Dining does well, it is coming up with soups nobody has heard of before. Taco soup and lasagna soup are strange, but they do not keep me up at night the way the cheeseburger soups do. 

Is it more cheese? Is it more burger? Based on my burger knowledge, the meat to cheese ratio in each soup should be the same so I suspect it has something to do with the broth to cheeseburger ratio — but I do not know the answer for certain and I am afraid to try to find out. 

What are some music red flags? 

A person’s character should not be judged by what music they enjoy — that’s silly and immature. 

(If he’s male identifying and loves Radiohead’s “Creep,” thinks Tame Impala is underground, exclusively listens to EDM, or is an avid Kanye West fan, I suggest running in the other direction.)