Dear Ephelia

Ephelia Ephelia

My friend’s improv group is bad, what do I do about it?

Under no circumstance do you tell them it is bad — been there, done that, not pretty. If you are so appalled that you find yourself wanting to join the group and reform it from the inside, then go right ahead. If you do not have the energy for that, find some anti-improv allies and assemble a support group. This way you can be a good friend while also having a safe space to debrief and recover after performances. You are not alone, and there is a robust network of improv haters here to help. 

Help! I keep losing my Canada Goose jacket on Hoxsey.

Urban Dictionary defines a fracket as: “A jacket you wear to frats because you don’t mind if at the end of the night, it is covered in beer, frat sludge, or other unidentifiable liquids. Also, it is not a big deal if this jacket is lost or stolen during the course of the night.” By my standards, a jacket that costs four figures does not constitute a fracket. So, leave it at home or accept the consequences of your own actions. 

Is it ethical for one person to occupy a Lee’s booth? Between which hours? When is it acceptable to kick them out?

It’s 7:30 a.m. and Lee’s is desolate — in a booth of my own, I respond to your question. 

At no point is it advised to kick someone out of a booth, as that move is guaranteed to make you look stupid. That is not to say, however, that any use of a booth is an acceptable use of a booth. The ethics of taking up a Lee’s booth depends entirely on the volume of Paresky traffic. If the dining hall is packed with students wandering aimlessly with bowls of double cheeseburger soup, it is unethical to take a booth in Lee’s for yourself. 

If there is a surplus of seating, then it is a different story. It is morally okay for a single person to occupy a Lee’s booth at non-peak dining hours. While seeing a single person sprawled out in a booth is annoying, life is unfair and booths are comfortable. 

My former best friend is spreading rumors about me, what do I do to make them stop? 

Materials: votive candles (5), quill pen, birch tree bark, fire extinguisher.

Procedure: First, gather all of your supplies and find a private space — if it is a study room, make sure it is reserved. Prepare the room by lighting your candles and looking up the former friend in question on WSO on your laptop. Your workspace is now ready. Using the quill pen, write out all the rumors you wish to stop on the bark of a birch tree under the glow of your candles and computer screen. Be sure to write in iambic pentameter, or else the spirits will not understand. Carefully burn the bark over the candles until nothing but ash remains. Repeat as many times as needed.

Hope this helps!

Do you have any tips for balancing relationships and school? 

As any good girlboss knows, our self-actualization needs cannot be achieved  if we do not feel a sense of love and belonging. Rather than stopping the grind, reconceptualize it and make people a part of it. Make time for friends and lovers in the same way you do for  problem sets and readings. Human connection is not elective, no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise. 

If I already feel like I have a crush on you based on everything you’ve written so far, what should I do?

Seek professional help. I am a cow.