Do I have mono, or am I just sad and tired? 

Well. I mean. I hate to ask what my parents asked when I got mono back in 11th grade, but: Who have you been kissing? In 11th grade, the answer was “No one — I’m a cow. I probably got it from sharing milk with a friend.” 

Not that my parents believed me. 

Text anyone you’ve kissed in the last two months. Ask them if they’re feeling sad and tired. If the answer is no, then you’re in the clear, and you’re probably just sad and tired, because it’s March in Williamstown. If the answer is yes, you probably have mono. Either way, they’ll be grateful to you for checking in on them. It shows you care. 

If you have no one to text, you already know the answer. 

***

Am I the only one who feels weirdly attracted to the scary voice that comes over the Sawyer loudspeakers right before it closes?

You’re sitting in the fifth-floor mezzanine at 2:00 a.m. and the startling but seductive voice calls out to you: “The library is closing in 30 minutes.” You take some deep breaths, and after a while your heart rate goes back to normal. And then: “The library is closing in 15 minutes.” 

Now there’s no way for you to get back to your work. It’s no good; you’re simply too distracted.

As feminist theorist Hélène Cixous writes, “Passion begins with a fear.” In one 2003 study, researchers found that people who had just been on roller coasters rated photographs of others as more attractive than did those who had not been on the ride. It’s a normal physiological response: Adrenaline can increase arousal. If your heart is pumping for one reason, it may get pumping for another.

So, let go of any shame — we’ve all been there. 

***

What’s a non-embarrassing way to meet Maud Mandel?

One of the reasons Maud is such a beloved figure on campus, with a Record approval rating of 67 percent as of last November, is that she has made herself accessible to the people. From holding open office hours to sitting at Mission at lunch (quite the trek from Hopkins Hall), she makes it easy to approach her.

She’s also pretty good at responding to emails. So if you want to get to know her better, slide into msm8 and let her know how you’re feeling — sad and tired (mono?) or otherwise. 

***

What do I do if I’m four points hotter in my WSO photo than I am in real life?

You thank the sweet lord for the greatest gift bestowed upon humankind. You then accept that you may have peaked during EphMatch. 

***

Need some advice? Wondering, “What would Ephelia do?” This week, we asked our board to come up with questions. To submit a question, anonymously go to the Record website and click the “Ask Ephelia” tab or email [email protected]!