Dear Ephelia

Ephelia Ephelia

How do you get your friends in a capella groups to stop singing all the time?

-Slightly Deaf

Honestly, I wish I could tell you. I am trying to find the answer to this problem that isn’t just killing them. They’ll never stop. You get into one a cappella group and now you’re a God-given gift. Stay tuned.


What’s the best place to cry on campus?

– Sweet & Salty

I find that crying in public gives you a sense of dominance. Like, hell yeah you cry! Everyone should! Plus, you may get offered some food. I was given grapes, and let me tell you, they taste better with the salt of my tears.


How do I rebound on campus in peace?

-Sling Shot

Refer to the above answer.

Is it appropriate for a senior to date a frosh? Asking for a friend.

– Curious Cougar

Find your sugar daddy or cougar. It’s all love in the end, my friend.


What is love?
– Haddaway

Baby don’t hurt me, don’thurt me… No more… No… No way that I know. I’m gonna be honest, I need this answered for me. Someone tell me, what is love? Why won’t anyone love me? I’m not projecting, I swear. Anyhoo…


What’s the best house to go to on Hoxsey?

-Party Animal

I’m so glad you asked! I hear 70 is pretty poppin’. 66 is pretty great too. There’s als– yeah, actually, that’s about it.


As a senior, I’m in a class with a few former entry- mates who I talked to a bit over freshman year but never really knew or cared about. Do I need to feel obligated to talk and have a connection with them?

-Done with Niceties

If you don’t renew your license to say hi and attempt an awkward closed-lip smile at the beginning of each year, your relationship is already over. You have no obligation to talk with them. In fact, the next time you see them, just pull out a copy of the Record instead of your phone so they can’t see your pained expression.


Why can’t I get 2 skyrs at Lees at night?

– Hungry Hungry Hippy

Because there needs to be an end to everyone’s organic charade. But also, there’s nothing wrong with a Green Mountain.


What do I do when I see my professor in the gym?

-Eager Elusive

Make eye contact with them and hold it. They are in your territory now.


Need some advice? Wondering, “What would Ephelia do?” To submit a question, anonymously go to the Record website and click the “Ask Ephelia” tab or email [email protected]!