Dear Ephelia: Answering students’ questions on all things Williams

Ephelia Ephelia

If you are eating a syrupy breakfast, and the handle of your fork falls into the syrup, what do you do? Should you get a new fork? Should you wipe it off and continue? Do you lick it off in broad daylight? Please advise.

– Sticky & Confused

There is only one correct answer: Lick it. You got a syrupy breakfast for a reason. I don’t wanna see two forks on your plate unless you’re having a dinner date. Stand tall and be proud! Lick that damn fork and fork anyone who cares. 


What’s the fastest way to get from Tyler Annex to science quad? Empirical data please.

– Lazy Leopard

Break a toe and get an ambulance to take you.  


What do you do if your TA this year is someone you have hooked up with?

– Bull with the Horns

Assert your dominance by making out with your TA in front of all the other students in the class. That’ll show them. You got the connects.


How do you say hi in public to your current hook up without having them think you’re being weird? 

– Confused cow

Try a pained, closed-mouth smile that simultaneously conveys your shame, confusion,and latent lust. Also, and I oop- sksksksksk.


What is the healthiest snar order that is not a salad?

– Hungry Hungry Hippo

Air. It’s free and abundant. 


Need some advice? Wondering, “What would Ephelia do?” This week, we asked our board to come up with questions. To submit a question, anonymously go to The Record website and click the “Ask Ephelia” tab or email [email protected]!