I hate getting feedback. It usually makes me feel terrible, like I did something wrong. Typically, I feel attacked, and my innate defensiveness causes me to shut down emotionally, grip the sides of my chair, and endure, rather than take advantage of whatever constructive feedback somebody has for me.

However, receiving and giving feedback are fundamental parts of our relationships with others in the classroom, on the field, and in the workplace. When we give feedback to others, we offer them vital insight that they often cannot come to on their own. In the best case, receiving constructive criticism can help strengthen bonds and help us develop and improve.

The problem is that feedback can be difficult to give well and painful to receive. I don’t think I’m alone in this. If you’re a student, you are used to getting feedback all the time from professors, TAs, coaches, friends, and family. In college, feedback is built into the rhythm of the learning environment. And if you work at the College, getting feedback from a colleague or a supervisor can be just as nerve-wracking. 

If receiving feedback is hard, we’re often no better at giving it. When I have something to tell another person that I think would be helpful to them, I am terrified that my feedback will hurt their feelings, be interpreted as an attack, or come across as unnecessarily critical. Knowing my own defensive instincts, I constantly think,  “What should I say so as not to make them upset with me?”

In the Jewish tradition, there is a commandment — a mitzvah — to give feedback (often construed as “reproof”) to the people in our lives. It is written in the Torah, the source text of all Jewish law, that “you shall not hate your kinsfolk in your heart; you should certainly reprove your kin” (Leviticus 19:17). Yet the rabbis of antiquity also recognized how challenging these interactions can be. Rabbi Tarfon and Rabbi Elazar ben Azaria, two rabbis who lived in the early 2nd century C.E., are reported to have questioned if anyone in their generation had the capacity either to receive or to give feedback:

“It is taught that Rabbi Tarfon says: ‘I would be surprised if there is anyone in this generation who can receive reproof’…Rabbi Elazar ben Azaria says: ‘I would be surprised if there is anyone in this generation who knows how to rebuke correctly’” (Babylonian Talmud, Arachin 16b).

Much later, in the early 19th century, the Hasidic master Rebbe Nachman of Breslov also spoke about the hazards, as well as the benefits, of giving feedback (Likutei Moharan 2:8:1). He noted that, when a person delivers feedback unskillfully or inconsiderately, they cause great damage. He actually compared it to dried feces. When feces are dry and undisturbed on the ground, they don’t smell at all. But as soon as you start to move them, the dried part on the top moves to the side and the stench fills the air. In the same way, poorly delivered feedback smells like shit. Giving feedback in a manner that is thoughtless or designed to make the other person feel shame reminds them of the mistakes they have made and makes them feel defensive. When this happens, Rebbe Nachman suggests that this kind of poorly given feedback turns the air putrid.

Rebbe Nachman suggests that our souls are nourished by scents. Because of this, when thoughtless feedback leads a person to be defensive or to remember their mistakes, the bad odor damages the recipient’s soul and cuts off the flow of spiritual nourishment that it receives from the heavenly realms. This is a dramatic assertion: When we offer feedback and do it poorly, we actually damage the other person’s soul and we interrupt whatever beneficent energy they had been receiving.

In contrast, appropriate feedback benefits the recipient by “enhancing and giving the other person’s soul a pleasant scent,” according to Rebbe Nachman. Feedback offered skillfully and with good intentions, that helps a person to grow, is empowering. It nourishes the soul and is life-giving. 

With this teaching, Rebbe Nachman challenges us to lean into offering and receiving feedback. Rather than serving as an act that can harm another person, feedback can be nourishing,  strengthening us and helping us as we navigate our world. This feedback should strive to reflect the good that the person does, as well as what they need to work on. It should be offered in a spirit of generosity and kindness, with thought given to how to avoid causing them embarrassment. It should focus on behaviors, rather than the person, so that it not be construed as an ad hominem attack. And above all, it should be offered with care, concern, and, dare I say, love.

The truth is, I have benefited immensely from feedback from people in my life. When I’m able to get out of my own way and soothe my inner defensiveness, I am able to hear constructive feedback and apply it positively in my own life. I’m still working on giving feedback to others, and I hope that when I do, it can be useful and nourishing.

As we head into midterm season — a time of heightened stress that can strain our relationships with those around us — I want to bless each one of us with the ability to offer feedback that  nourishes our inner lives and those of the people with whom we interact. At the same time, I want to wish for us the ability to receive feedback from those we trust with the faith that it is intended, not to harm us, but rather to help us grow. I wish for us too that, when we receive feedback delivered with less skill than we would like, we extend patience and compassion to one another, knowing that feedback is never easy. 

Rabbi Seth Wax is the College’s Jewish Chaplain.