Since last Wednesday evening, our campus community has been processing grief following the death of Toby Woods ’27. Each of us has experienced this grief in our own way. Some of us have felt tired and unable to focus, which has made attending class or doing assignments difficult. Others among us have tried to increase our focus on our schoolwork and our extracurricular commitments as ways to distract ourselves. Some of us have felt empty, while others have been able to carry on with our schedules. Many of us may also be wondering how long these feelings will last. This is the way grief works: It moves in its own way for each person. How it arises one day may be different from how it arises the next, or even within the same day.
This is a hard moment for our community, and it has made us wonder how we can show up for each other. Faculty and staff, Junior Advisors and captains, friends and classmates have turned towards one another for support. But how do we move forward in the days and weeks ahead, as our feelings of grief evolve?
One of the places we can look for guidance is in sacred texts. The figure of Job is found in Jewish, Christian, and Muslim religious literature. In the Hebrew Bible, Job is portrayed as blameless and upright (1:1). The Quran describes him as a servant and seeker of God (21:83). In both accounts, he is afflicted with suffering. In the biblical account, Job’s children die, his property is destroyed, and his body is afflicted with boils.
At first, according to the Hebrew Bible, Job is silent, patient, and accepting. He does not curse God, instead insisting that human beings need to accept the bad alongside the good. Job’s friends — Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar — learn of his suffering, and so they depart from their homes to visit, console, and comfort him (2:11). Scripture tells us that “when they saw him from a distance, they could not recognize him,” so “they broke into loud weeping. Each one tore his robe and threw dust into the air onto his head.” (2:12) “They sat with him on the ground for seven days and seven nights. They saw his deep suffering, so they remained speechless for that entire time.” (2:13)
These gestures of support for their friend as he grieves and suffers offer an example: When they hear that Job has experienced such profound loss, they make the journey to be physically present with him. While reaching out by letter would, no doubt, have been appreciated, they recognize the importance of actually being there for their friend. The ability to make eye contact with Job — to occupy the same space as him — allows them to empathize. They are able to discern what they need to do in that moment: sit with Job and be silent.
Things begin to go downhill after that point. In their attempts to support their him, Job’s friends begin offering words of advice. While they undoubtedly come from a helpful place, their advice is supremely unhelpful. They try to justify Job’s suffering, offering that he must somehow be to blame. Job recognizes that their advice is not only unhelpful, but it is offensive. He rages at them, and at times, rages at God. He can’t believe that the loss he has experienced is fair or deserved. Because the truth is his suffering is neither fair nor deserved. Much of the biblical Book of Job consists of a back and forth between Job and his so-called friends. Job isn’t comforted by his friends’ words. Instead their words only alienate him and make him feel more distressed.
In the end, God appears to Job in a whirlwind. God presents a vast, terrifying vision of the enormity of the world and of God’s capriciousness. God reminds Job of his smallness and of how powerful God is. Job responds with a humble awareness of his place in the cosmos, and in a surprising ending, Job gets a kind of reward, receiving new wealth and new children born to him and his wife.
We learn from the story of Job that grief can last a long time. Our grief may make us angry, sad, bitter, lonely, or afraid. Job also allowed his anger to be present, since anger is a normal part of the grieving process. He argued with his friends and bargained with God. And yet, through this, Job was also patient with himself, reminding us that we can be patient with ourselves as we experience disappointment, anger, and grief in our lives.
Job models a type of resilience, teaching us about how to maintain connection with others and remain in community. Despite his deep suffering, he grapples with his experience and acknowledges his grief.
When it comes to comforting each other, the best thing we can offer is ourselves and our presence. Job’s friends got it right the first time around. There is no right thing to say, no perfect phrase that can relieve the suffering of another. The best way to support the people whom we care about is simply to be there. We cannot make the pain go away, but we can connect with each other in the midst of our suffering, and that can be the most healing balm of all.
Rev Valerie Bailey Fischer, Rabbi Seth Wax, Bridget Power, and Sidra Mahmood are the College’s chaplains.
The chaplains are available by phone at 413-597-2483, by email at [email protected], or in Paresky 205.
