Aries 

Take your intramural team less seriously and get an actual hobby, like writing fake horoscopes for a small college newspaper.

Taurus 

Laughing at your professor’s slightly racist jokes will not give you the brownie points you think it will — their racism allegations will only bring you social scrutiny.  

Gemini 

Having a niche double major does not make you better than everyone else. Focus on improving yourself, not practicing saying “I know it’s a bit of an odd combination.” 

Cancer 

No more sighing heavily to get your friends to ask what’s wrong; people are starting to think you’re asthmatic.  

Leo 

Knowing the name of every employee at Spring Street Market is impressive, but expensive. Dust off your ID, and save money at the dining hall. Yes, you can bring your Canada Goose. 

Virgo 

You took yoga as a physical education course to relax; be less of a perfectionist, and maybe then, the knot in your back will disappear.  

Libra

Dropping that class is not going to offend your professor — put yourself first. 

Scorpio 

Be more bold! Prolonged eye contact with your class crush is not effective — it’s just creepy. Ask them out — oh, they’re straight? Tough luck, but best to let it go. Trust me.

Sagittarius 

For the love of God: Please clean your room. 

Capricorn 

The frown lines from scowling at your computer are starting to show. Have you considered using retinol?

Aquarius 

Lee Snack Bar is a communal space, so let it be one. Don’t hog a booth for yourself to study — that’s what Sawyer is for. 

Pisces 

It’s time to reevaluate your opps. The person who skipped you in the Goodrich Boba Night line is not an opp.