Aries 

Your competitiveness may be your demise. Quit Cap & Bells while you still can.

Taurus 

You enjoy peace. Transfer.

Gemini 

You’re not everyone’s favorite, but you hold your own. Enjoy WEPO!

Cancer 

You know how to weaponize your emotions. Get that extension, girly!

Leo 

Your Lee’s order will get stolen. Do what you do best. Make it everyone’s problem.

Virgo 

You’re a perfectionist. We get it. You’re on the Record. 

Libra

Balance is key. Remember this as you tackle both midterms and lacrosse season. You got this, bro. *fist pump* 

Scorpio 

You’re a loyal one, but please take something other than American studies courses. 

Sagittarius 

Beware of your desire for adventure, for few make it back from Tyler Annex alive.  

Capricorn 

Patience is your friend. Remember this while your friend once again describes their investment banking summer internship to you. 

Aquarius 

Just because you bring your own mug to Goodrich doesn’t mean you’re better than everyone else.

Pisces 

You are devastatingly empathetic, but try not to say, “She looks so cold,” every time you pass Ridley the dog on Spring Street.