What your Goodrich order says about you

Bagel and cream cheese combinations are not only delicious, but also reveal your inner psyche. Grace Flaherty/Photo Editor.
Bagel and cream cheese combinations are not only delicious, but also reveal your inner psyche. Grace Flaherty/Photo Editor.

As we all know, you are what you eat, and choosing a pairing among Goodrich Coffee Bar’s various bagels and spreads has just as much to do with your personality as it does your nutrition. Whether you’re a first-year just beginning to craft your perfect Goodrich order or a senior set in your ways, here is what your go-to combo says about you.

Flavor of the month: You’re a hopeless romantic. Is it wise to get attached to a cream cheese that will leave you in a mere four weeks? No, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Even though you know you’ll soon have to bid your fair cream cheese adieu, you live every day you have together to the fullest. I salute (and pity) you.

Blueberry and jalapeño: Honestly, you may be a sociopath. I don’t trust you, and I’m going to keep my distance. You want to make headlines with your order and crave the disapproving glare from Goodrich baristas who cringe at this depraved life choice. An antagonist to be sure, you also may not have working taste buds.

Blueberry and chive: Nice try, smart guy. You probably think this is “a lot more normal” than blueberry and jalapeño. Wrong: you’re just one rushed breakfast decision away from making the switch to jalapeño. This combo is essentially the gateway drug of sociopathic Goodrich orders, and I’ve got my eye on you. That, or the barista messed up your blueberry-and-plain order and you’re too shy to say so.

Sesame and honey walnut: Okay, now this I can get behind. You’re a suave amalgamator of savory and sweet, and while some may question your order, you know that they’re just jealous of your culinary instincts. You are likely to note the “complex, nutty flavor” of the sesame seeds and the “smoothness” of the honey walnut, and while you may not be a popular breakfast conversationalist, you do have style.

Plain with honey walnut: People describe you as “nice.” You don’t like being the center of attention but like to let loose every now and then. Sometimes you order a cinnamon raisin bagel when you really feel like treating yourself, but usually you stick with plain. While you may not have the most mature palette, your order, like your personality, is pleasant and inoffensive.

Plain with plain: You’re either a bagel purist, or you play it safe and don’t like to color outside the lines. While some may use this order to describe your personality, you don’t get offended and defend your choice as “pretty good.” Sure, it’s nice to stick with the classics every now and then, but come on, live a little — at least put some sesame seeds on that bagel.

Sesame with plain: You were probably a plain-with-plain person in high school, and you’re trying to spread your wings in college. You have also recently experimented with going to bed past 1 a.m. and eating past 8 p.m. Carry on, adventurer!

Wheat with peanut butter: You’re health conscious and want everyone to know you just came from the gym. You probably also order a piece of fruit and an Odwalla. You think caffeine is for people who don’t run in the morning. Or you’re lactose intolerant but don’t want to miss out on Goodrich.

Cinnamon raisin with Nutella: This order is embarrassing. If you also pair this order with a Nutella latte, you need to take a hard look at your life. This is basically candy for breakfast, and while that’s awesome, you probably need to grow up. Sorry, just saying.

Everything with chive: We get it. You’re “from New York.” You “know bagels.” This isn’t your first time here, and you want people to know you’ve been around the block before. While your order screams attention-seeker, you also have the confidence to walk around with both chive and everything bagel breath all day long. Nevertheless, I commend you for maximizing your life like you maximize the flavors of your Goodrich order.

  • Gossip Squirrel

    While blueberry with jalepeño is an order/er to be feared, truly the most depraved are those who order everything with Nutella. Spicy and sweet is a legitimate flavor paring (chemical flavorant aftertaste of The Bloob aside), but ONION and CHOCOLATE?? Only monsters go there.

  • The Truth

    I read that Mark David Chapman had a blueberry with jalapeño from Goodrich the morning he shot John Lennon.