Touring the College with honesty and just a touch of sarcasm

The former Williams College admissions office, where actual tours used to start and finish. Grace Flaherty/Photo editor
The former Williams College admissions office, where actual tours used to start and finish. Grace Flaherty/Photo editor.

As tour guide applications are being reviewed, here’s an alternate version of a tour guide script that reveals the facts you may not usually hear from a student walking backwards.

Hi everyone! Welcome to Williams College. I’ll be your tour guide today. As we start the tour, I want you to look at the mountains all around us and ponder the 1884 Henry David Thoreau quote, “It would be no small advantage if every college were thus located at the base of a mountain.” While many other colleges may be near mountains, Williams, unlike other schools [cough] Amherst [cough] is uniquely situated in the beautiful Purple Valley.

Now, on your left, you’ll see some of our upperclass housing: Spencer, Brooks, Wood  and Perry. Past those buildings is Paresky, our personal ski lodge. We have a fireplace, plush couches and hot chocolate when the machine works. Over there is Lee Snack Bar, the only dining option on campus open between two and five. You guys have to try their Skyr yogurt! Lee’s is basically the best place to eat here, although it’s not on swipes. Swipes are what we use for our meal plans here, which many of you probably already know if, like everyone else at the College, your brother, sister and both parents go or went here.

Now we’re pivoting, like Hillary Clinton trying to avoid her past. This is Frosh Quad. Its beautiful architecture and campus centrality makes it the perfect first-year dorm. The entry system is truly embodied in the vertical housing with multiple common rooms. The hardwood floors and winding staircases invoke the peak of what architecture has to offer. To sum it up, Frosh Quad is basically paradise. That building down the hill is Mission, but we don’t talk about that.

Moving on, we have Sawyer, our recently rebuilt campus library. We have access to thousands of books here, and students can also order from libraries all across the country. People come here to study in groups or alone! Some people say it’s inconvenient to have only one bathroom per floor, but that extra space allows us to have even more bean-bag chairs! In summary, Sawyer is basically a great place to procrastinate.

Anyway, now we’re going to head out and move to your right towards Goodrich. Goodrich is our student-run coffee shop. It’s a fun place to grab food with friends and do some last minute reading. Goodrich is basically an authentic Brooklyn coffee house.

If you look to your left we have WCMA – the Williams College Museum of Art. You can see the “Nine Elements” statue, known around campus as “WCMA Eyes,” “What Does this Statue Mean?” or “So Is this What My Tuition Goes To?” Next to the “WCMA Eyes” is the museum itself!

Next, we come to the bustling main street of town. It’s called Spring Street because Williamstown is known for its balmy weather. The motto of Spring Street is, “We’re not New York, but we’re also not not New York.” Down Spring Street you can see Images, our local movie theater. You may think you would want a movie theater close to campus that shows crowd pleasers like “Transformers Five,” but once you get here you’ll realize that what you really need is a beautiful documentary about the extinction of the South African pearl flower… And you’ll find out that’s exactly what they’re playing at Images.

Now some of you may be thinking, do students drink here? Heck yeah they do! Water, that is! Shot of water every 20 minutes to stay hydrated, am I right? Now, if you look down the road you’ll see Lickety Split, an ice cream shop open for only half of the year, because during the other half Williamstown becomes an arctic tundra.

With that, I’d just like to say thanks for taking 10 minutes to walk the entirety of campus with me, and remember: No matter what the new college rankings say, we’re always number one!

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