Bottoms Up

Homecoming, Nov. 3, 2012: the day when everyone of age is their own bartender from dawn till dusk. I decided to stretch my drinking muscles by sampling (in moderation) every beverage that crossed my path.

1. Water. A necessity if rallying is part of the game plan. Drink up me hearties, yo ho.

2. The Homecoming classic, hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps. After a debate as to how much schnapps had evaporated, I added some Bailey’s. While the overpowering sweetness of chocolate, peppermint and caramel may not appeal to everyone, the warmth and delicate kick of schnapps-coated marshmallows encapsulates the airy, saccharine feeling of “first Homecoming.”

3. A chalice of mimosa, paired with apple and chocolate scones. This take on “classy Homecoming” proved a nice break from the heavier and hotter chocolate-based drinks, while the scones joined their bagel compatriots in a gastrointestinal melting pot of Homecoming munchies.

4. Warm apple cider with rum: What any seasonal pirate would drink to keep the scurvy at bay.

5. A shot of vodka chased with a mixture of hot chocolate, Bailey’s and Kahlua. Seriously, any sweet alcohol in hot chocolate is a winner. Another benefit to this concoction is that it tastes like chocolate milk when cool, albeit that of a raging alcoholic.

6. Lukewarm Keystone, sipped from a transparent Solo cup. Also a necessary part of brunch clean-up.

7. Rum-soaked cake. After the Keystone, my taste buds died from happiness. (Side note: When Elise Baker ’13, the baker of this glorious cake, asked the liquor store salesman which rum would taste best “poured on bread,” he recommended the darker rum for spicier flavor.) I tasted Christmas morning.

8. Rum and coke. Better out of a flask.

And then it was game time. The alcohol buzz provided warmth for at least an hour, but scavenging became necessary once the fog lifted. Thankfully, there were veggie burgers, wings, drinks and hats full of popcorn to provide sustenance, and alumni and dogs the size of horses to provide wind blocks.

The post-game nap proved to be a lifesaver, although everyone in Poker ‘F’ looked like a 60-year-old version of themselves afterwards. This reporter recommends chasing the morning’s drinking with more of the morning’s food, a.k.a. another bagel and some non-alcoholic apple cider. This was followed by a viewing of Mean Girls while dressed in loose, warm clothing. If going out, continue to rest and drink more water. If not going out, put in another movie of similar caliber and make some popcorn.

And then it was Homecoming night: a chance to sample the drinks you missed in the morning, and to see the alums who avoided your mud-splattered clutches at the game. Once you feel relatively stable, it’s time to start the second pregame – or the post-game, as it were.

1. Inhale the steam of alcohol rising from your pores in the shower.

2. Mad Dog 20/20, Blue Raspberry flavor. Bumwine.com calls this beverage “As majestic as the cascading waters of a drain pipe,” and they’re not wrong. At $3.50 per bottle for 16 ounces of 18 percent alcohol by volume, this will definitely be my drink of choice when I am living under a bridge with my sociology B.A.

3. Cold Keystone. Much better than lukewarm Keystone, and perfect for standing and talking in small, concentric circles or dancing in large groups.

4. Snack bar. Not a drink, but a common (and communal) experience at the end of a drinker’s night. The greasier, the better. If you order a salad at snack bar, you deserve to have your soul sucked out with a poorly-functioning Greylock vacuum cleaner.

Pat yourself on the back, and enjoy the well-deserved rest of someone who has tricked his or her body into living two days of drinking in one glorious 24-hour period. Thank god for daylight savings time. In the morning, treat yourself to a snifter of Golden Eggnog (ultra-pasteurized) and rum before heading to Mission brunch for more yellow foods. Start hydrating for the next year.