1 in 2000

As per tradition, I met the out-going editors-in-chief Matthew Piltch ’12 and Austin Davis ’12 in the Record office to conduct their long-awaited “Two in 2000” interview. The pair strolled in as they’re often seen – together – and sat down with me to talk me through their social marriage, time on the Record and love of Game of Thrones.

 

To start, we’ll need an introduction. I’d like each of you, pretending to be the other, to give a quick self-introduction. [They look at each other for a second before Austin bursts into laughter.]

 

MP: Well, my name’s Austin Davis, and  … [pauses] I love Williams. Anything that has an application, I love to apply to. I love Game of Thrones. I live in a fantasy world. Anytime anyone tells me I’m wrong, I ignore them. And [Everyone bursts into laughter] I watch about 34 television shows.

 

AD: Approximately.

 

MP: I somehow manage to sleep, be a math and English major, be involved in everything on campus and follow 34 television shows. I cry at television shows – a lot. [Austin is giggling uncontrollably.]

 

I think this might be the most pronoun-confusing interview ever.

 

MP: I’m not even sure if you can use any of this.

 

AD: [Anxious for his turn] Well I am Matthew Piltch – not Matt, Matthew.

 

MP: I go by both!

 

AD: I am Matthew Piltch.

 

MP: Only in the Record am I Matthew Piltch!

 

AD: I am always right. I know all the things about all of the things. I have an extremely expressive face, which means I’m a terrible liar because you always know exactly how I’m feeling. Which also means that if I disapprove of someone or something or you, the person I happen to be talking to, you will know.

MP: Yeah.

 

AD: I live in shambles.

 

MP: [Looking outraged] Hateful!

 

AD: I love beautiful things. My face becomes very squished and very pleased around beautiful things! [Matt is making the squished face, seemingly uncontrollably.] I love to embrace the world and everything I love in it.

 

Aww, that was cute.

 

MP: Yeah, that was adorable. I love you so much.

 

AD: I love you!

 

Well, after that, can you confirm or deny rumors that you are actually married?

 

AD: Legally, no.

 

MP: We have not in fact signed a marriage contract of any kind.

 

AD: But, socially married …

 

MP: Yes.

 

AD: Emotionally married …

 

MP: Yes.

 

What does socially married mean?

 

AD: We do spend a great deal of time together. We are not afraid to bicker in front of people, often to their great confusion. [Matt, meanwhile, is murmuring “Yes” after Austin’s every sentence.]

 

MP: We even have set aside man time every week watching Game of Thrones.

 

So your man date is watching Game of Thrones?

 

MP: Yes, it absolutely is. We intentionally exclude people from watching with us.

 

AD: It’s been hard. There have been a lot of people who have wanted in, and we say…

 

MP: “No.”

AD: “Goodbye.”

 

In hours, how much time do you guys spend together in a typical week? Has that gone up or down since you guys stopped working on the paper?

 

AD: It’s about the same, which is impressive because as you know, working on this paper – Tuesdays are 12 or more hour affairs and then the rest of the week is also many, many hours.

 

Do either of you spend any time by yourselves?

 

MP: No.

 

AD: When I cry watching TV.

 

So what is your best memory in this office?

 

MP: The time we got locked in the office. [Austin “oohs” in approval.]

 

AD: Okay, this was obviously not my fault, because I would never do something as rash as this, never ever. [Matt giggles.] So the story was probably … I was emotionally just …

 

MP: He was upset.

 

AD: Well, someone was pissing me off, and we were in the boardroom working, and I just said “Everyone, get out!” and I took our big glass door and slammed it shut.

 

MP: When it got slammed shut, not only did it get slammed shut, the door went past its frame so it got stuck.

 

AD: And keep in mind this is a big glass door, and we are stuck. Everyone can see us from outside.

 

MP: So I went to examine the situation and immediately put my palm to my face because we can’t move the door. We were locked inside!

 

AD: The other part is that we were working on a newspaper. If we had been locked outside, separated from all our staff –

 

MP: Really, it was resolved with relative ease after a few minutes of critical thought.

 

AD: Matt’s a problem-solver. I was just upset.

 

MP: It’s why I’m going into consulting.

 

AD: But obviously, I just want to reiterate, none of this was my fault. [I look at him in confusion, Matt in amusement, because it was obviously his fault.] It was just a fraught situation in which I happened to play a major role.

 

Whose fault is it?

 

AD: It’s no one’s fault.

 

MP: Austin does not believe in fault and blame so much as circumstantial challenges presented through life.

 

Okay, so if you guys were going to have a theme party meant to represent your relationship, what would it be?

 

MP: Oh, wow. That’s fantastic. Well, we need to have newspapers everywhere.

 

AD: Yeah, it’s how we met.

Okay, so this theme party. There are newspapers.

 

AD: [Thinking] I mean, there would probably be beer. There would definitely be beer.

 

MP: Yeah, there would definitely be beer. And carrots and hummus. And we would need Game of Thrones in some form.

 

AD: True.

 

Would it be playing in the background?

 

MP: No, frankly, we need to be – I think period garb would really be – [Austin chuckles] Do you think?

 

AD: No, I think period garb would be great.

 

MP: We would need to incorporate violent television, violent medieval television, with Showtime psycho drama, with the newspaper.

 

MP: We would have to have a game involving Game of Thrones somehow.

 

Like a weird role play thing where you win?

 

MP: Where you win or you die.

 

So, Austin, was it hard to relinquish your role as editor-in-chief to Matt in the fall? I hear you staged a coup.

 

AD: That’s true. That’s true. I can fulfill many roles, but sometimes it gets too exasperating –

 

MP: We were writing an editorial about something I was involved in on campus, so I had to excuse myself … Austin comes in as I’m walking out, and [starts banging hands on table and yelling] “THE TYRANT IS BACK!!!” [Austin again dissolves into laughter.]

 

AD: And of course everyone cheered.

 

MP: That’s not exactly what happened. I think they burst out into hysterical laughter.

 

AD: Well, what is laughter if not wholehearted support?