As we settled into sofas in the Record office last Sunday evening, I gave Chelsea Church ’12 the same warning I give all my “One in 2000” subjects: Don’t say anything too incriminating.“Well, that might be hard,” she replied with a giggle. And that’s when I knew I was in for a fantastic interview.
I hear it was your birthday on Friday! Did you do anything special?
I have a birthday month. Usually, people have a birthday week. Most real people who aren’t totally annoying have, like, their birthday.
Did you throw a party?
We started on Friday for a little shindig. We didn’t think of a theme, so we decided on “no pants, get cake.”
Did you not wear pants?
It wasn’t really a pants-less party. There were just a lot of pictures of Lindsay Lohan and a lot of cake. It was kind of thrown together at the last minute. People didn’t really catch on. [Laughs.]
So I’m supposed to ask you, which is better – America or Britain?
That’s a complicated answer. There are pros and cons to both. I took a gap year and was at a boarding school in England.
And you didn’t come back with an accent?
I actually have a pretty good one. When I was there, everybody was like, “I hate America!” but they were all secretly obsessed with it. They’d be like, “Your country’s so stupid! Everything about it is kind of amazing.” But sometimes random people would harass me, and I’d pretend I was British.
Have you ever thought about branching out and trying other nationalities?
[Looks sideways] I may have done it before. I may do it kind of frequently. If you put that on the record, I mean, I won’t kill you … [Smiles slyly]
Wow. I think that’s the first death threat I’ve ever received doing One in 2000!
I’m sorry! You can’t take me seriously!
Noted. I hear you’re a 30 Rock fan. Are you more of a Liz or a Jenna?
I’m gonna kill Austin [Davis ’12]! He told you to ask me that. Oops. I need to stop threatening people during this interview.
People may get the wrong impression.
I’ve never followed through, though.
That we know of …
[Laughs] I would like to think I’m more of a Liz. Okay. I’m a Liz in terms of that I eat everything, and I’m a Jenna in that I’m totally crazy.
Sounds like you got the best of both worlds.
[Laughs] Or like the total opposite of that. I just want to be Jack Donaghy’s baby. I think I sort of am. All my friends at home call my dad Jack Donaghy because they are literally the same person. He has a lot of great one-liners. We need to stop encouraging him.
Or start filming him and make bank.
I don’t want him to be the famous one in our family! That’s reserved for me. [Laughs]
Do you have a plan to become internationally famous (or infamous)?
Well, Chelsea Handler stole my life plan, and we have the same name, so it’s rough. She has the best job in the world! That’s all I want to do is sit around and make fun of my staff, have people give me margaritas.
What’s your plan B?
I’m not good at having back-up plans. I guess my back-up plan is like, getting a job in the real world. That would be funny. [Laughs]
Maybe a real job should be plan C.
Yeah. Next year I’m looking to work in an art gallery. My parents are like, “You need a real job,” and I’m like, “I just want to look at pictures!”
But if you try to picture the most successful people in the world, not many of them have so-called “real jobs”.
Yeah. I too strongly believe that you need to find what you’re passionate about.
I love your fresh views on life.
[Laughs] Okay, one thing that everybody should know about me is that I can’t be taken seriously based on what I say.
Well, how can people take you seriously? Through interpretive dance?
I’m a really bad dancer, so no.
Me too! Isn’t dancing the worst?
Dancing’s, like, really hard. I have a lot of great joke dances, and I’m like, “Haha, it’s a joke dance ’cause I’m so hilarious!” But it’s really how I dance.
What are your signature moves?
They’re so embarrassing! I always wind up doing the white man’s overbite. Sometimes I fall back on fist pumping ’cause I’m from Long Island. I just hope I’m never in a situation where dancing is the key to getting something.
Is there anything on your bucket list before you graduate next month?
I’ve been thinking about that, and I don’t think there’s anything I can do. I think I’ve done everything. [Laughs] I should probably try to reclaim something. Bucket list: Find my dignity. Austin and I would always joke that I should write three articles for the Record so I could be a staff writer.
Write for Features!
I could write up this interview if you want. It would be really edited down a lot. It would be like, “Chelsea Church arrives in all her gym clothing after a 10-mile run looking so healthy and happy.”
And the photo would have to be a selfie.
It would be a MySpace photo. There would be a mirror. It would be a meta-moment. There would be a lot of art historical significance.
Is there anything on your post-grad bucket list?
I’ve always wanted to be a DJ.
Why? So you don’t have to dance at parties?
Exactly. I’m really good at being that mean girl in the corner. You have to practice your upperclassman girl pose – texting, looking around the room being really dissatisfied. [Laughs.] I need a job that revolves around me kind of being sarcastic and taking a lot of time to get ready. And looking bored. That’s something I’m good at.
What would your DJ name be?
I would just be DJ Church!
Sounds perfect for Goodrich. Is there anything else you want to accomplish?
I love traveling. I want to go to all the continents.
And try out different personas on those continents …
That would be amazing! I’ve actually already done that. I guess this is just really making me realize that I lie to a lot people and make a lot of threats. [Laughs] Maybe I should just be a spy.
That would be perfect. Maybe the KGB’s still hiring.
Russia’s terrifying! I want to go to Russia and not die. That’s on my bucket list. When I was in England, my classmates went on a trip there and the stories that I heard when they came back convinced me that it’s the craziest place ever!
You might fit in.
[Laughs] I don’t speak Russian. But I would wear a fur hat. I think maybe that should be my plan. I should just move to Russia and see what happens.
See we’ve come full circle. At the beginning, you were like, “I have no plan in life!” And now, you’re all set.
I just forgot about Russia! How do you forget about Russia?
And then what happens after Russia?
Well then we’ll have to do this all over again.