Meet Pat Barren ’11: star football player, baseball team captain, Ohio State devotee. You might recognize him as the smaller, ball-shaped figure walking around campus, warranting his own gravitational mass as people (and most other things) find themselves constantly attracted to his magnetic and personable aura (I’m looking at you, ladies). I found Pat eating marshmallows out of a dumpster at an undisclosed off-campus residency this past Saturday night and decided to ask him a few questions for this week’s edition of “One in 2000.” So sit back, relax and indulge yourself with the company of one of the College’s most animated figures. And girls – please – one at a time.
So Pat, what do you consider yourself: the man, the myth or the legend?
If I seriously answered that question with any of those choices, I think I would have to kick my own a–. But if I was forced to answer, I would have to say that I’m the man. The bologna man!
The bologna man, eh? Interesting. Can you sum up a typical day in the life of Pat Barren to help us understand what is going on in that head of yours?
Well I usually start my day off by hitting the snooze button about five or six times on my alarm. Shortly thereafter I drain my main vein and then hop into a steamy shower. I feel like clothes are always optional, but usually I put them on before I go to class. I spend a majority of my time at football or baseball practices thinking about what I am going to have for dinner. I tend to Steven Glansberg a lot of my meals. Some people think eating in the dining halls alone is frightening, but I am a very focused eater, and I feel that eating alone allows me to both focus on the task at hand and reflect about my life. Most days I take a little me time right after dinner to play video games, watch TV or harass Kid of the Week [Chris Rudniki ’11] about not having any fun. Then I stay up until dawn reading and taking notes for my classes.
You mentioned that eating alone is frightening for some people. Meanwhile, it seems like you are afraid of nothing. What is the one thing in the world that scares you the most?
Spaghetti. I think it looks like worms.
Obviously you love your food. Let’s pretend you are on an island with one endless supply of food. What would you choose?
Skittles. I just love candy. I am the Willy Wonka of Williams.
What if you only had one person on your island; who would you pick?
Evangeline Lilly. I feel like we made a connection during those six seasons of Lost. There was something about the way she always looked back into my eyes.
I must say Evangeline Lilly is pretty cute. On that note, may I ask you who you think is the cutest girl on campus?
I’ve definitely got my white buffalo picked out, but I don’t want to throw any salt on my own game so I’ll keep the identity of my main squeeze to myself for now. I am partial to Ms. Green, the green M&M, though.
Let’s say that your “main squeeze” is reading this right now and that you have to make a case for yourself. How would you critique your following (on a one to 10 scale): Sexual appeal, athletic prowess and girth …
For sexual appeal, it really depends on what you are looking for. My friend Kid of the Week’s mom once told me that I was a blue-collar fantasy, but I don’t even really understand what that means or if it is supposed to be a compliment at all. Therefore, I’ll just try to be modest and give myself a 10 for sex appeal. I really don’t feel that my football and baseball abilities should determine how I rate my athletic prowess; rather, we have arcade basketball in our house and I hold the record for shots made in a row (22). This alone puts me at a six rating. My corn-hole game is on point – so add two to my rating – and I am currently training to accomplish my goal of eating between 30-40 hot dogs at Jack’s sometime this year. Add another two to my rating. However, I am a very average beer pong player and am not very good at Call of Duty, Halo or Mario Kart so subtract two from my rating. I believe that leaves my final rating at an eight. As for girth; that isn’t really a very specific question, so I’ll just go with 10.
You seem like a pretty outrageous person. What would you be if you were a fast-food restaurant? A Disney character? A lunch meat?
If I were a fast-food restaurant, I would probably be a Taco Bell. Disney character is tough because I represent so many, but one of my special lady friends once told me that I reminded her of Lumiere (the candlestick man from Beauty and the Beast). Lunch meat is easy – definitely bologna. I love fried bologna sandwiches. I mean, come on, I am the bologna man.
I have heard that you are also a pop-culture knowledge phenomenon. What’s your favorite YouTube video?
I really like the one with the girl who is dancing to Beyoncee’s “Single Ladies” with a clown mask on, and then she slams her head on the TV… kind of brutal but very funny.
All right, well give us a song that we need to download right now.
“Whooty” by Edubb. And Whooty means “white girl with a booty,” just to clarify.
Now for a question that is on everybody’s mind: Assuming you will someday have a child, what would you name him or her?
Easy. Boy or Girl, I would name it Igor.
So you’re a senior now and have been at the College for three years. In that time, what was your most defining Asher Roth “I Love College” moment?
Well I once killed a bat that flew into my room at 3 a.m. one night with a handle of vodka. Do something crazy.
Not at all surprising. Any stories that are a little more tame?
One of the best days I’ve ever had a Williams consisted of me not leaving my dorm for an entire day. I decided to give watching Lost a try and watched the first episode on my computer. One episode was all I needed. I spent the rest of the day watching the entire first season – in the dark, in my pajamas – and consuming pretty much an entire party pack – wings, pizza, two liter – from Moulton’s Pizza. All this was done with Logan McCracken strolling in every so often to spoil the conclusions of multiple episodes. To quote Ice Cube, “It was a good day.”
Indeed. Well before I let you go, indulge us with something that you will cherish forever about the College.
I will cherish the downstairs bathroom in Paresky. I have spent a number of hours there sitting on my throne and reflecting upon my daily adventures at Williams.
Any last words for the humble people of Williamstown?