One in Two Thousand

Dave Samuelson ’12 cannot be contained by a single One in 2000. That is all.

So –

I was debating starting to talk in a weird accent so you had to fit it to a different person.

Thank you for not doing that, Dave. We are trying for the real you. Let’s start with general likes and dislikes.

I like ethnic food. And there are two people in this school who I’m obsessed with. Should I include them?

If you want to put their names out there.

Totally. One is a sophomore named Stevie Luther [’11]. I think that he is divine, a divine individual, and I talk about him a lot, and he’s very creeped out by me. Most people don’t really understand my obsession with him – they think he’s a normal guy – but I think that he’s doing everything right in life. And then Margaret Moore [’12] is a freshman, but she’s a real f—-ing gem. She’s solid, totally solid. She just knits a lot and is so calm and down to earth and always laughs when I make dirty jokes in front of her. I wouldn’t necessarily say she’s Stevie-level, but she’s definitely not far off.

All this talk of levels. Do you have levels for friendship or worship?
There’s a friendship scale that I sometimes use, but I don’t use it for people that I kind of idolize but don’t know that well. One the scale, people can range from one to seven.

Do you want to discuss that further?
We’re like a three now.

Moving kind of quickly –

That’s because one and two are really easy to pass. So one is you don’t really know them and kind of wave to them, which is more than most people at Williams do because Williams social skills are absolutely horrendous. Williams College social capability – that’s a dislike. I like to make silly faces at people because that’s an easy way for people who are totally socially inept to connect with other people.

Or to pee themselves.

Or to pee themselves. I also love the lesbian community. It’s a little bit objectifying, but I do really like the lesbian community. I met someone the other day who had been talking about me, and they were like, “He really seems to love lesbians,” and I was like, “Okay, cool.”

We can take that one of two ways, or even both and then I’ll pick one. What is it that attracts you to the –

No, no, not like in terms of a going to bed with them but of respecting the community. What’s the other way?

If you were to find out someone else were talking about you, what would you like that person to say? An entry snacks-type question, if you will.

That I’m tactless, that I can grow facial hair. This stuff is kind of hard for me because my general interactions are so candid in a vulgar way that I don’t necessarily want those in a public forum. Also, I’m going through a witty dry moment, where my wit is dry, so give me some more questions.

I dunno. I can say stuff I’ve heard about you, and you can respond to it. One: You hate the environment but not really.

That’s a good one! When I was a junior in high school, I went to the Mountain School for a semester, a kind of organic farm in Vermont, and they tried to brainwash me. I mean I do like breathing in fresh air and having it not being polluted. I went to Egypt, and when you sneeze in Cairo, it’s kind of brown. That’s just vile. But I don’t like people in the environmental movement who think it’s better for the world that they were born rather than someone who doesn’t recycle. Like, “In terms of merit on the earth, I win.” I can’t support them.

Respond to the claim that you are an artist.

I paint a lot, but I don’t know if I’d call myself an artist. Moving on?

Names for yourself. You introduced yourself as “D. Flow.”

I should preface this: I suffer from subconscious narcissism, so all my best friends are always named “Dave.”

Which means I probably can’t get to level seven.

Well – [It’s decided I had better not try to change my name to something like “Dave.”] When I was in eighth grade – or maybe sophomore year – we were talking about rock star crushes, and I said I had a crush on Joan Baez, which was only kind of a joke. My teacher started making fun of me, and someone said to her, “You have to understand – Dave is a delicate flower.” My nickname with those friends was “Delicate Flower,” and it switched to D. Flow. I like the nickname, but I definitely make sure to clarify where it comes from. And my mother f—-ing hates it.

Good.

And I’m in a cult. It’s like an all-boys camp but it’s really, really culty. Every night we sit around a candle and talk about our feelings – this is boys, keep in mind, so it’s kind of weird. I think it’s a good cult, but everyone who’s in a cult thinks their cult is a good cult; it’s just the optimism that comes with being in a cult. There’s also a tattoo. I almost got it this summer but didn’t because my family is ethnically Jewish but not practicing, and if I wanted to find Judaism later in life it’d be better to not have a tattoo.

Any more good life stories?

Um – I almost got citizenship married. My mom talked me out of it. I went to a boarding school and one of my best friends was from Canada and had a really hard time becoming a citizen. [She] and I were going to get married this April, like a fake wedding because you have to show immigration and cry about not living together. But then I talked to my mom, and she pointed out all the very valid reasons why I shouldn’t marry her. We still make jokes about it because her parents really wanted us to do it, and it was more serious than I’d like to admit.

Parting shots.

I think the library could use more printers. That’s my political agenda.