One in 2000

I found Ralph in Goodrich, wearing a pair of striped tights, shorts, a doublet, and a pair of red Converses. Sitting behind him, there is someone with a paper bag that reads “ARRAS” on his head. Two girls are mopping the stage. They had been expecting me.

I have no idea where to begin.

Fair enough, fair enough.

So why are you wearing what you’re wearing, Ralph?

Well, currently I’m wearing these tights as they have a slimming effect. Note the verticality on my legs. Furthermore, the Converses are undeniably baller, shot-caller, twenty-inch blades on the Impala and – I don’t know what Impala is. But of course the doublet is just similar reasoning to the Converses, but throwback. Also Compleat Wrks of Wllm Shkspr (Abridged). Costume for it. Shakespearean. It’s going to be cool.

I’m excited. And I’m not going to ask you to spoil the show because I assume they’ll do that in another article.

[Guffaws].

So you do theater.

I do theater.

What have your roles been in the past?

My roles in the past have been guy who dies and gets resurrected in Green, classicist in Invention of Love, guy who kills people, also dies and also gets resurrected in Blue – it’s a very Julian Mesri thing – and douchebag – d-bag shall we say for censorship’s sake – in Beyond Therapy and crazy person who gets drunk in Staging a Rescue.

So you’re just type-cast.

Yes I’m a very silly person who gets drunk and wears cheese hats and does very cruel –

[A severed head is thrown at me, missing by about a foot.]

This building is filled with mysteries.

Truly, truly a peculiar place. Undeniably – oh, hello George – and the occasional Romanian hither and thither. It’s a truly whimsical place, filled with Romanians and arrases and all sorts of other things behind which other people are conveying themselves –
[Another head barely misses me]

Oh wow, the heads are getting more accurate it would appear.

Yes they are apparently.

Are you describing the theater or just your life?

Oh life, theater, all that. All that good, yup, all that good stuff.

I’m holding two severed heads right now.

Sounds like my prom night! Not really, I would worry if that were the case.

[The “Arras” moves closer and sits next to me. He rips off the bag revealing none other than Ralph’s Compleat Wrks costar Evan Maltby ’11.]

I didn’t see you there behind the Arras, Evan Maltby!

This is so ridiculous.

Maltby: You’re so ridiculous!

Your mom’s face’s brother! I don’t know who that is.

[Just then, Noah Schechter ’12, the third cast member of Compleat Wrks, appears behind me.]

Whoa.

Oh, hello Noah, didn’t expect to see you here.

[Noah stands silently.]

Hi Noah – This is going to be a very interesting 1 in 2000.

Maltby: What got you interested in this show?

Well it’s just so Shakespeare but small [gestures], which is what she said.

Maltby: How do you mean?

Well essentially it takes all of the plays and condenses them into one gooey, little ball of theater joy.

Maltby: Joyful indeed.

Jindeed – to portmanteau joyfully and indeed completely unnecessarily.

Maltby: Completnecessarily?

Complecessarily. I believe that would be a far better one. [Actually to me]. Oh, and if you need to refer to us jointly, Ralvoah Schorrisby shall suffice

for the three of us. We’ll spell it for you if you need.

Okay.

Maltby: Who are the other people in the show with you?

That would be Evan Maltby, pretty cool guy (total douchebag in person though) and Noah Schechter whose name is actually spelt with six pairs of “ch”es, most of which are written invisibly.

Maltby: That’s gotta be a touch excessive, no?

Oh, undeniably so-

Schechter: There’s a rumor that it’s actually a treasure of the Antarctic people.

They had “ch”es. People live in Antarctica. Dinosaurs lived in Antarctica, little known fact.

Maltby: There you go.

I know. Therefore, ergo, dinosaurs had “ch.”

Schechter: I have a serious question.

Yes, Mr. Noah.

Schechter: What do you see?

[Ralph turns the interview on me, showing me a picture he had drawn that is too disturbing to describe in print. We all look at it for a few minutes in silence.]

Maltby: So Ralph, back to the interview.

What else got you into this show, I mean I know you like Shakespeare, but why this one?

It allows one to be silly and wear things like cheese hats – SPOILER ALERT! WHOA! – you’ll have to come see though to see what shape of cheese hat. Swiss cheese? Gouda? Brie! GOD ONLY KNOWS! That’s what we call a trailer.

I don’t think I’ve had that kind of cheese before.

It’s pretty frickin’ awesome.

Maltby: What, God only knows cheese?

Yes.

Schechter: Mr. Morrison are you prepared at this time to confirm recent musing that our director is not actually human?

I have to answer your question with another question: Yes – dot dot dot question mark?

Maltby: Chris, what do you think about that?

You mean Ralph’s answer?

Maltby: Sure.

I’m going to have to decide whether or not I actually write in words “dot dot dot question mark?” or just punctuation marks, or both. [I chose both].

Truly, truly a dilemma.

It really is.

We may have to reinvent the entirety of prose!

Prose before hoes.

Too true. Too true.