One in 2000

After being informed that Steph Berger ’11 was too lazy to walk thirty feet to Goodrich, I found her in her room. Between the Batman poster and the Playstation 2, it was no wonder she said she’s been described as having “the height and maturity level of a 12-year-old boy.”

So I’m going to get right to it – I hear that you have a peculiar marking somewhere on your body.

Yeah, I would say about a week ago people started asking me about this marking, and at one point on Friday night I may or may not have shown about half the campus said marking. [laughs]

What’s the story behind that?

The story is as follows: I have this best friend Karen back home in Maryland [gestures to enormous Maryland state flag on the wall], and we’re idiots, and that’s what we do – we act like idiots together. So when I went home during reading period we were like, “Dude, I kinda wanna do something stupid.” And she’s got like five tattoos, so she said, “Uh, I don’t know – let’s go to the tattoo parlor.” So we’re sitting in the tattoo parlor and the conversation goes as follows: [with appropriate characterization and hand motions]
“Dude what’s the stupidest thing you can think of?”
“I don’t know, dude. What are you thinking about?”
“Dude, I don’t – DUDE!”
“SWEET!”
So I may or may not have a sweet tattoo on my upper left butt-cheek area.

But what does it say?

Hers may or may not say “dude” and mine may or may not say “sweet.”

That may or may not be awesome.

It makes for a good conversation piece. It also makes for a bad drunken conversation piece because too many people have seen my a—. I mean, I’m a Springstreaker in the first place, so I don’t really mind. I think it’s going to put a new level to the streaking. But if you want to see it I’ll show you.

No, I’m quite alright –

You can wait for a natural time –

Yeah, yeah.

Wait till I’m running across with a group of naked people and then you can say “Oh hey, that’s Berger!”

So the movie itself [Dude Where’s My Car?] doesn’t have any existential meaning for you?

Not at all. In fact, I don’t know if I even want to see the movie again. I think I might look at it and be slightly embarrassed by myself. People always talk about tattoos as something you do when you’re young and stupid and then you look down upon it. I want to look at the tattoo and be like, “I was young and stupid,” and that’s the point. It didn’t really matter what I got as long as it was idiotic.

Sweet. So now back to the enormous Maryland flag. Is there a particular reason why you’re such a huge Maryland fan? Besides, of course, the fact that you’re from Maryland.

I always wanted to be in New England when I was in Maryland. I said, “Oh New England is such a cool place.” And then I went to New England and I realized just how much I love Maryland.

Does that mean you’re an Orioles fan?

Yes and no. We had season tickets when I was a kid. If you want to talk about perfect childhood, my dad took me to go see Cal Ripken play all the time. I have his autograph. It was adorable. They just got so bad. It just broke my heart, and then I came to New England and I’m a Sox fan now. I couldn’t deal with it anymore … The Orioles just got so horrible; it’s upsetting. I’ll be a horrible bandwagoner and jump on again as soon as they get good, but I can’t do it anymore.

So you also play hockey – ice hockey I assume?

Yes.

Is it anything like the Mighty Ducks? One, two or three.

No and yes. No because not at all, not even a little bit. Just as you’d expect, everything in that movie is technically wrong. But it’s so engrained in hockey players’ minds. There are so many times when I’ve sat on the bench and someone will go on a break away and somebody will shout “Triple Deek Charlie!” I was a counselor over the summer at the Dartmouth hockey camps and I got my kids to do the flying V. They made a Facebook group: “We did the flying V and it was awesome!” Except it failed miserably. It’s still a fantastic movie. That movie and Top Gun are probably my faves.

Does that mean you also want to be a fighter pilot?

There’s actually a huge part of me that wants to be a fighter pilot. My dad is actually a pilot so it could happen. I could medically be a pilot – I just don’t know if I want to spend eight years in the military. It’s a long time.

What would your call-sign be if you were a pilot?

Without a doubt, Iceberg. When I played high school hockey, it didn’t matter if I had done anything, the minute I got on the ice they chanted “Iceberg.”

Now, I just noticed this, but there is a baby duct-taped to a wall on your background. Why?

Redneck baby swing? I don’t know. That’s the other side of being a Marylander. There are redneck parts, but no big deal. I don’t hate on it. I love those trashy redneck shows, the country music, My Big Redneck Wedding. I submitted my entry to that far too often last year. Trashy shows are my downfall. That and So You Think You Can Dance. I’m one of those people who’s totally into really embarrassing things. But I own up to it.

Anything else you want Williams to know about you?

I know I’m a random person, I know that. I moon often. I moon too often. I think that’s part of the a— tattoo thing. I think that general thing is just that I have no limits when it comes to personal –

Space?

Personal space, modesty, things like that. And I blame it on living in an all girls dorm at prep school because people would just walk around naked all the time. That’s when I started mooning like no other. I would even moon my teachers. It wasn’t a big deal there. But now I have to check myself like, “Don’t moon your coach! You might get in trouble!” That doesn’t click in my head anymore.

Good, now you’ve warned Williams about that.