Bottoms Up

Unfortunately, Mr. Matt Koven was too busy to write Bottoms Up, so I bravely explored the world of spirits solo this week. I’ve been pretty busy myself. After a grueling week of class and preparing for the LSATs, I found myself on short notice to submit my article to this fine publication. With no solution, I found myself having to do some Gonzo journalism, and work during my social hours (for more info on Gonzo journalism, Wikipedia Hunter S. Thompson, or better yet, read one of his books). Anyway, after completing the LSAT and dominating in a glorious victory over Amherst rugby, I felt myself growing rather tired. This presented quite a dilemma: my body wanted rest, but my mind wanted to celebrate by imbibing some “traditional” spirits with my friends. What was I to do? I knew that beer would just drag me down while liquor would give me a quick high, but lead to a brutal and debilitating crash. To solve the problem, I had to compromise, and settled on something that I would like to call “energy-efficient alcoholic beverages.”

(Note: recent controversy has claimed that some of these beverages may be bad for your heart. Having never seen any conclusive studies, personally, I will disregard these rumors. If any bio major shows me solid proof stating otherwise, I will gladly publish a retraction in my next article.)

So, I know I said I wasn’t going to drink any liquor, but I lied. The bottom line is that Red Bull and (Ketel One) vodka is simply the best wake-up cocktail there is. Ketel One may be spicy, but it goes down nice and sweet when mixed with the golden elixir that is Red Bull. The taste is tangy, yet slightly bitter, but when served on the rocks, it is anything but unpleasant to take down. To me, it almost tastes like spiked apple juice, and brings up memories of days downing Pixie Stix on the playground.

Oh yes, my friends, a vodka-Red Bull will get you going in the right way. It’s also trendy and stylish, and makes you feel real cool before going to First Chance. Though my self-esteem was temporarily inflated, the rush of the cocktail that gives you wings simply was not enough. I craved more energy.

Sparks – if you haven’t heard of it, you haven’t partied at Williams. It is one of Miller Brewing Company’s finest creations. You may never have seen it at the Spirit Shoppe, but that’s only because the stock is often cleared out before most get the chance to purchase it – it’s that high in demand. Sparks comes in both regular and plus varieties (six percent and seven percent alcohol, respectively), tastes delicious and will not disappoint. It’s sort of like orange soda and sort of not, but either way, it seems as if it was brewed by little taste angels and is full of delightfulness. You will not be disappointed. Sparks is my “energy-efficient alcoholic beverage” of choice. I have started virtually all of my fun nights with Sparks since early 2006, which proves a point: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Warning: despite my earlier note, drink more than two of these, and you might feel like you’re having a heart-attack. You’ve been warned.

By now, I was feeling pretty jazzed-up, but I wasn’t quite at my peak. While Sparks is delicious, I heeded my own warning and decided to stay away from number two. Besides, it can be very syrupy, and I didn’t want to get “sparks breath” and frighten my date away. I went to what I have coined “the lesser Sparks,” also known as Tilt (a creation of Budweiser). Tilt comes in multiple tropical flavors: orange and green. Since Sparks is also of the orange (color, not the flavor) variety, I decided to experiment with green Tilt. It is reminiscent of lemon-lime, but not enough to make it especially Sprite-esque. I have recently been informed that Tilt will no longer have any caffeine or tuarine in it, making it a regular “premium malt beverage.” My obvious response to such a ridiculous move is “where’s the fun in that?” Look for the “energy-efficient” version of Tilt while it’s still available. If you can’t find it, search harder – make it your holy grail.

After the Tilt, I decided to slow down a bit. If I didn’t, I knew I would be up all night, howling at the rising sun. It’s happened before, but it kills the recovery on Sunday morning, and I was planning a 5 a.m. wake up to do research for the next article: the best beers found at a New York football Giants’ tailgate party. I called it a night, knowing that my alcohol consumption was as energy efficient as possible.