Eph Chic: Muffin Tops

The muffin top. Unattractive to look at and unpleasant for the owner of the dreaded fashion no-no (come on, your waistband isn’t screaming at you for buying pants two sizes too small – again?). I am sure that most of us – myself included – have come back from a two-hour Sunday morning brunch sporting this aggravating reminder that we can no longer eat three cups of fro-yo, no matter how many calories the ellipticals claim that we log at the Estrogym. But with the start of another dazzling fall at Williams, let us all make an early resolution to see to the extinction of the muffin top – forever!

Though the phenomenon is quite prominent on campus, many may not even know what exactly constitutes a muffin top besides the delicious baked good. Wikipedia describes the term “muffin top” as the following: “a generally pejorative slang term used to describe the phenomenon of overhanging flesh when it spills over the waistline of trousers or skirt in a manner that resembles the top of a muffin spilling over its paper casing. This generally occurs when an individual wears low-rise, hip-hugger pants, or midriff-baring tops that are too small.”

The presence of muffin tops is not necessarily a critique of an obesity problem – quite the opposite, in fact! The eerie silence on campus every afternoon is a daily reminder that students are all uber-fit, competitive souls at the highest level of athletics. I am merely trying to enlighten us to the fact that the fashion industry has launched an epidemic in which anything larger than size 2 is unacceptable. They must be stopped. We must unite against all the Anna Wintours and Anna Wintour-wannabes immediately! Besides, should we really take advice from a woman who dons the same outdated bowl-haircut decade after decade and is so notoriously evil that a movie (The Devil Wears Prada) was created about her?

I personally am staging a one-woman campaign against the muffin top not merely because I pity its owners and because it is a major “fashion crime,” but because if I see one more “crack” above the waistband of someone’s jeans or, even worse, a “whale tail” (Wikipedia this too, you won’t be disappointed!), I will really have to take another semester off.

So friends, peers and utter strangers, what shall be our solution to this most dreaded of epidemics raging across our age group? I would not necessary advocate wearing high-waisted trousers, as most fashion magazines do. But good lord already, buy pants that fit you! Ignore the number that is written on the inner waistband – no one can see those microscopic digits when you are wearing them, not even yourself. The most flattering pair of pants is always the one that fits you the best, not the most expensive pair on the racks.