One in 2000

I sat down with Richie Martin ’08 and his friend, Will Hardy ’10, in Snack Bar of Paresky on a rainy Monday morning.

How many pieces of tea bread is that? Is that all equivalency?

Six pieces; it comes out perfectly. But I have to get water.

[Hardy suggests that Martin is going to fill up his cup with soda.]

Am I going to steal? Like a scumbag? No thanks!

So Dick [Richie], why are you a math major? You’re such a cool guy and I always thought that only geeks majored in math.

I am very cool, but math isn’t just for nerds. Math is just a way of thinking about things.

What is that supposed to mean?

[Laughs] It’s all about proofs. It’s a way of thinking about things linearly. It doesn’t really deal with numbers after the 100-level stuff, unless you’re talking about statistics. Stat is actually for losers; those are the nerds. But don’t tell Professor Botts I said that – That s—- is nerdy … Yo, look at those boots.

[An unidentified female Williams student wearing large rain boots now becomes the target of Martin and Hardy’s comedic wit as she orders her breakfast. Hardy then observes that the boots would be ideal in a swamp.]

They look like nice boots to me.

[Laughs] Is it even raining? What is she thinking with those huge boots?!

[Hardy guffaws that it is a downpour outside, but only a slight drizzle is falling from the sky. Sarcasm is at play.]

[To Martin] You played varsity basketball your first three years here, but you didn’t this year. Do you ever miss playing a varsity sport?

Not at all – Well, I did enjoy hoisting half-court shots during practice just to mess around. But mostly no – Never.

[Another student, 6’6” basketball player Troy Whittington ’11, begins to order his breakfast and unknowingly becomes the next target of the duo’s mockery.]

Oh my god! That umbrella is way too small for him. Is it even raining out? I guess that drizzle is too much for him!

Yeah, small umbrellas are silly – As a senior looking back on his college career, what would you have done differently?

Wow, that’s a deep question. I would have gone abroad. I’ve never been anywhere.

Oh word? Where do you think would you have gone?

Spain. My boy went there and it sounds really nice.

Do you speak Spanish?

Not really, but I’ve picked up some phrases from living in Miami. [He tells me something in Spanish and he winks at me.]

Great accent. What did that mean?

You have a beautiful smile … Holler at your boy!

Word has it that you rap. Is that true?

Yeah, I do. Right now Eric Moore [’09] is working on my career. You know, he’s trying to get me signed with some labels.

Oh, that’s so cool! I’m really excited for you! I think – wait, I thought you just rapped for fun. Are you being facetious?

E. Moore is talking to Def Jam South, The Inc –

Those are really big labels – I don’t believe you. [He laughs and I know that I’ve just been duped.] Which rappers do you like? What do you think about Afroman?
I hate him. I need to start beef; I hate Afroman and Larry Love!

Starting beef is a good idea for your career. That’s what 50 Cent did.

He laid out a road to success; I’m going to follow it. You should YouTube Young Rich and watch me spittin’ it.

I want to switch gears here and address an important subject: a lot of people don’t take their Facebook profiles very seriously, and I think that’s unbelievably wrong. You have wisely chosen Facebook as a serious forum through which to express yourself.

Absolutely. I’m so glad that you look at my profile. I feel as though a lot of people just skim over it.

Your quotes are what really draw me in. I want to share one: Why waste time trying to fit in when you were meant to stand out? Tell me about that.

Don’t even ask me about that, you know all about standing out!

Excuse me?

Look at you. I can notice you from 10 miles away. [He assesses my outfit] You’ve got the plaid shirt with the red shoes that don’t even match – nothing matches!

[Hardy directs him to the patch sewed to the thigh of my jeans] Oh my god – what does it say?

[Sheepishly] I don’t know –

[Still looking at the patch.] That’s what I’m talking about – Ethan! Stand out!

Okay. I’ll miss you next year. I mean, what are you doing next year?

I’m going to New York – I’m trying to take over the city with my girl, Lindsay. But seriously, I’m going to do some consulting with the Monitor Group.

What do you want your last words to be as you leave this school? If you could say one thing as you walked into the sunset – so to speak – what would it be?

I think I’d go out in silence.

That’s wack. [Hardy also frowns in agreement.]

I’d say that I’m never coming back – except for [the] Amherst [game].

Football?

Absolutely.