One in 2000

I didn’t know what to expect before meeting Silvia. She graciously invited me to the Willy D common room where I found her giving her frosh a haircut. There was also a photographer. I pretended everything was normal. However, as I noticed the Aaron Carter posters surrounding me, I figured typical was not anywhere in the room.

Okay, let’s begin. Silvia, you’re the JA of Willy D. You must love all your frosh.

All of them.

You don’t have anything mean to say about any of them.

No . . . oh, actually except Eric. Eric sucks!

The one you’re giving a haircut to?

Yeah, he has a noodle business, underground.

Come again?

A noodle business . . . like, he deals noodles . . . Korean style. They’re full of sodium and bad stuff for you!

I bet they’re full of MSG.

[Frosh interjection: “Cup-a-noodles! And she’s addicted!”]

I haven’t had a single one today! I had four in a day one time.

That sounds similar to the foundations of a heart attack. Are you a noodle person?

I wasn’t a noodle person, until they told me that if I didn’t drink the water, it wouldn’t be that bad for me because all the sodium was in the water. But I got addicted. Have you ever had Korean noodles, or do you stick to . . .

White-boy noodles?

No, ramen.

Too much sodium. I’m not a sodium guy. Hmm . . . so no dirt on your frosh?

Oh, I didn’t say I have no dirt! I just said that I like them.

Okay, then let’s start in on the dirt.

Wouldn’t that violate trust issues?

I guess so. All right, I’ll violate trust issues. One of your frosh told me that you like to play with your . . . ahem, chest area.

[Surprised, frustrated, uncomfortable laughter.]

What! You’re just reading from the quoteboard!

No, no, no. I don’t even see that anywhere! But since you suggested, I’ll read off the quoteboard! “Put the PORN on.” Do you have an explanation for this?

No! Okay . . . we were . . . somebody else . . .

I want to live in this entry.

We have HBO on demand.

Oh ho! Why do you have HBO on demand?

Have you ever seen Real Sex on HBO?

I have it TiVoed. Are you kidding?

It’s on demand, you don’t have to TiVo it!

You can watch it whenever you want.

Yeah. You’re lying to me. You don’t have a TiVo.

I’ve never seen a TiVo on this campus. Anyway, I have seen Real Sex, and I really don’t watch it that much, but I can tell that you do.

No, we watched it once in my entry and it was like porn, so we called it porn. But it’s not real porn. It’s Real Sex and it’s educational. It’s important for freshmen to get introduced to . . .

You’re implying your frosh are prudes.

No, I’m not saying that.

So they’re floozies and hussies.

I will not confirm nor deny.

So, that haircut. You seem to really like to grope your frosh’s hair.

He has really soft hair! I’ve been texturizing!

I’m going to touch . . . It’s very nice. Did you wash it? Do you do the pre-cut wash?

I do it on girls. The girls are so much nicer. Girls are so much easier to do. Guys are lazy and they wait until it’s too long.

Oh. You have very short hair yourself.

I do. I cut off all my hair at the end of the fall semester.

Inspired by Britney?

No, I did an art project on it.

I think I just undermined your artistic integrity.

It was a big pain. Have you ever seen G.I. Jane? Her shaving scene is like, “Zoom, zoom, I cut my hair perfectly in two seconds!” Bull. BULL! My arm was hurting. It was not good. So don’t believe anything Demi Moore says.

I usually don’t. So it seems like this has been a really long haircut for a guy with not much hair.

Can we pause?

[We pause. Silvia takes the frosh into the bathroom. Three minutes later, they come back out alive. The man holding a camera asks them to pose. Silvia mounts the couch in front of a Spiderman poster and makes a terrifying face. The man takes more pictures. I avert eye contact with anyone in the room. I don’t ask questions either. Another frosh enters. She lectures him on her misfortune of sharing a bathroom with five boys. She ends by commanding him to “have a good crap!”]

Being a JA is all about making freshmen a part of your life, even though you should be living with upperclassmen.

That sounds nice. Tell me again where you are from?

God, that’s my least favorite question ever. But I live in Jersey and I was born in Bogotá, Colombia. I lived there for 13 years and then I moved to Edison, New Jersey. The Edison Museum is there!

As in my homeboy Tommy?

Hell yeah! There is this crazy place where he could request any materials he wanted for inventions. They had elephant hair. What would you need elephant hair for?

Maybe he had some weird fetishes. Do you have any fetishes?

No, ’cept noodles.

I like churros.

I don’t like the way they make churros in the United States. Maybe they’re based on Mexican churros. Ours are thinner and pretzel shaped and there’s more surface area for you to get grease and sugar all over you.

Grease, sugar and sodium.

I’m going to die.

Try vegetables. But more importantly, when does Real Sex air?

I don’t know! We have it on demand! I think they give you two weeks or so to watch it, but we had to stop. It got weird – people dressing up as babies.