Ask Moe and Jim

Dear Moe and Jim,

All of my friends have boyfriends and while I’m happy for them, I often wonder what is wrong with me. I have no problem getting booty, but I have trouble moving past that first hook-up stage into the dating realm. Why don’t boys want to date me?

Boyfriend-less

Dear Boyfriend-less,

You have fallen victim to the common (and arguably factual) belief that there is no more to relationships than outward appearance and sex. If this is in fact fallacious, we must assume that there is another dimension to romance, namely one of emotional and psychological attraction. If you are being honest in regard to the abundance of “booty” which you claim to get, your inability to get any further with guys suggests shortcomings of this latter category. Clearly you are attractive enough for one-night stands, but these encounters aren’t likely to conduce serious commitments if the guy you are with realizes that you are a psycho the next day.

Moe

Dear Boyfriend-less,

First of all, looking to start a relationship off with a random hook up can work, but it’s far from secure. The most you can do is be open to a relationship and hope one happens. Looking for a relationship means that you will make one for the sake of being in a relationship, and that artificial match-up will taint it from the beginning. But this doesn’t mean you can’t actively pursue a guy you like. We’ve moved past the age when only guys ask girls out, so don’t be afraid to put yourself on the line.

Jim

Dear Moe and Jim,

I picked in with some of my best friends from my entry, and my roommate and I get along really well. But our other two friends who room right next door are starting to fight constantly and the thin walls give me an unwanted front-and-center seat to their arguments. They each come to me individually telling me about the other and I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to take sides, but they are eagerly trying to convince me to do so.

Why can’t we all just get along like we used to? What should I do about my unwanted middleman position?

Middleperson

Dear Middleperson,

You are in a great position here. If you are clever enough, you can lead each of your friends to think that you are on their side, regardless of who is morally justified in her side of the argument (I am correct in assuming you and your friends are girls, right?). Having enemies makes you value your allies all the more, so your opposing friends are likely to reward your loyalty, and also confide in you their innermost thoughts on the matter. Since a formerly unified source of friendship is now split into two distinct entities, the benefits you reap are sure to double as well.

Moe

Dear Middleperson,

Taking sides is always a mistake. It can only be justified if one party is clearly ethically wrong, but it just sounds like simple bickering. In such a case, the only thing to do is try to mediate – boring answer, I know. But your only other option is to watch the friendship break up and guide it down a path of least destruction. Unfortunately, some entry friendships are built on faulty foundations and it just doesn’t make sense to force them; it’s much better to ease them into casual acquaintances then battle into bitter enemies. But hopefully, none of that is germane here, and you can talk them out of it.

Jim

Dear Moe and Jim,

The boys on my floor leave our bathroom unbearably dirty, always leaving the seat up and never cleaning up after themselves. It’s gotten to the point where I often leave the building to find another bathroom to use. I would talk to them, but I don’t want to be that annoying neighbor who makes a big deal out of everything. What should I do?

Miss Clean

Dear Miss Clean,

Were I some kind of chauvinistic pig, I would suggest that you stay home and clean the bathrooms while your male co-residents assume the role of “breadwinner” and use their superior physical and mental strength to provide for the rest of the dorm. However, this is the 21st century, and such distinctions between male and female roles have disappeared altogether from our society. Thus, I instead advise you to bake a cake, or perhaps prepare a nice pot-roast for these boys, so that they may come to respect your simple desires as an independent woman and in turn strive to maintain the cleanliness of your home.

Moe

Dear Miss Clean,

You’re going to have to talk to them. There’s really no way around it. Just don’t be passive aggressive or obnoxious. Guys hate it when you talk around the point. Make fun of them. Tell them they’re dirty. They’ll have to listen to you. If they don’t, then they’re just jerks and are never going to change anyway. In that case, you can complain to the administration – if you’re prepared to do that.

Jim

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